Cornholio

Beavis and Butthead walking to Stewart’s house

Beavis Hey! Butthead. How come we’re going to Stewart’s house?

Butthead ‘cuz I heard he’s got diarrhea.

Beavis Oh. Yeah. heh heh

Stuart’s mom Thank you boys for bringing Stewart’s homework to school for him. He’s sooo sick. He spent all night in the bathroom.

Butthead Really? Diarrhea?

Stuart’s mom Yes, I’m afraid so.

Beavis/ Butthead heh heh ….. heh heh (Beavis imitates the squirts)

Stuart’s mom Now booooooys…. come on. Say, have you boys eaten breakfast?

Butthead Uuuuuh….

Beavis Ummmmmmmmmm, I think I did once.

Stuart’s mom Well, you can’t go to school on an empty stomach. Heeeeere. I made some breakfast burritos for Stewart. He’s not feeling well enough to eat.

Butthead Whoa! Burritos for breakfast!

Beavis Yeah! Yeah! Cool!

Stuart’s mom You boys eat up. I’m going to check on Stewart. He probably needs more “T.P.”

Butthead Hey, Beavis. Ya think she’s gonna put a thermometer up his butt?

Beavis Yeah! And then she’s gonna put it in his mouth!!

Beavis/ Butthead heh heh …. heh heh (EATING BURRITOS)

Beavis/ Butthead YEAAAAAAAAAACH! OOOOOOOOOAAH!! GAAAAAG!!

Butthead What the hell is this crap? ptui This isn’t a burrito!

Beavis Yeah. I got eggs in mine! She tricked us!

Butthead No wonder Stewart’s got diarrhea.

Beavis Yeah. heh heh….. Let’s see what else they have.

RANSACKING THE KITCHEN

Butthead This sucks! There’s nothing good here.

BEAVIS FINDS THE SUGAR MOTHER LODE

Butthead Hey! Buttmunch…. give me some…

Beavis No way, punk!

SUGAR SPAZ ATTACK

Butthead Settle down, Beavis….. pretty cool.

END of first segment. CUT TO MUSIC VIDEO

(SAUSAGE VIDEO)

Butthead What the hell is this?

Butthead SEMINIFRIOUS TUBLOIDIAL BUTTENOIDS. These guys like crawl up into peoples butts and go like exploring.

Beavis Oh…. yeah! They go neeeeya noryaaaaaaaa neeyaaaa… Butthead…. What are those lights for?

Butthead That’s so like they can see when they’re crawling around inside your butt.

Beavis No way! You mean it’s dark in your butt?

Butthead Yeah! You know, then they say “stick it where the sun don’t shine”?

Beavis Ummmmmm Hmmmmmm….

Butthead They’re talking about your butt!

Beavis Ohhhhhhhhh. I thought it meant… like… under your pillow or something…. but like, ummmmm, if it’s dark inside your butt… then… like… how do the terds find their way out?

Butthead Uhhhhhh… I think they can like see in the dark like bats.

Beavis Ooooooh… yeaaaah. That makes a lotta sense. Yeah. Hey. Butthead. We should like go see these guys in concert.

Butthead Yeah. Ladies and Gentlemen…. the Seminifrious Tubnoidial Buttenoids…..

Beavis Semm…initrious Tulll..uboilial Buttenoids have left your pants…

VAN DREESEN’S CLASSROOM

(BEAVIS HAVING A SUPER SUGAR FIT…)

Mr. Van Dreesen It’s ironic that we in this country who cherish freedom occasionally support governments who are less responsive to human rights. We’re very fortunate…..

(FADE OUT)….

Butthead What’s your problem Beavis? Settle down.

Mr. Van Dreesen …the strugle for freedom is by no means over. It still goes on today in places like…. Nicaragua… El Salavdor… and Panama.

Beavis (shirt over head) NIC..AR..A..GUA. Agua….Agua for my bunghole…. bunnnghooooole!

Mr. Van Dreesen Beavis! Please sit down…

Beavis Are you threatening me? I AM CORNHOLIO!

Mr. Van Dreesen Come on Beavis. Take your seat… Now, technically America is not a democracy but a republic….

Beavis to female. classmate …you have T.P.? T.P. for my bunghole?

Girl Get out of here Beavis.

Beavis Ummmmmmm. Okay. Heh heh … heh heh…

WALKS OUT OF CLASS

I AM CORNHOLIO. I need T.P. for my bunghooooole. Bunghoooole!

Mr. Van Dreesen Uh… Beavis… where are you going?…… Where did Beavis go?

Butthead Heh heh … heh heh… that was cooooool. Heh heh ..

END of second segment. CUT TO MUSIC VIDEO (not shown here)

Beavis (HALLWAY) Bunnnnnghooooole…. heh heh!!

(TO JANITOR)

I AM CORNHOLIO! I need T.P. for my bunghole. heh..heh..yeah… heh heh… Hey! Would you like to seeeeee my bunghole? heh heh heh….

Mr. Van Dreesen Butthead… where did Beavis go?

Butthead Uhhh… I dunno…

Mr. Van Dreesen Is Beavis having some kind of a problem I should know about?

Butthead Uhhhh… he ate like 27 candy bars and then like drank a 6-pack of root beer!

Mr. Van Dreesen Hmmmmm…. that’s strange. I just read about a study that says sugar isn’t supposed to cause hyperactivity.

(GIRLS RESTROOM)

Beavis Heh heh…. heh … ahhhhhhh…. heh heh heh.. yeah! This’ll be cool… (ENTERS BATHROOM) I AM CORNHOLIO!!! Whoa… that was cool heh heh.. I NEED T.P. FOR MY BUNGHOLE!! heh heh COME OUT WITH YOUR PANTS DOWN!! (looks under stalls) Oh… yeah. Uhhh nevermind.

(CUT TO SPANISH CLASS)

Beavis Nicaragua…. arriba…. andelay…. I AM CORNHOLIO!! I NEED T.P. FOR MY BUNGHOLE!!!

Spanish teacher Senor Beavis! Donde esta tu hallpass?

Beavis Are you threatening me? You will give my T.P. … bungholio!

Spanish teacher Beavis…. just what in the hell do you think you are doing?

Beavis DO NOT MAKE MY BUNGHOLE ANGRY! Do you have any oleo?

Spanish teacher Get the hell outa my class and go straight to the principal’s office. NOW!

Beavis Ummmmmmm…. okay. THE PRINCIPAL…. he will give me T.P.! heh heh I would hate for my bungholio to get polio… Where I come from we have no bunghole… heh heh heh heh

Spanish teacher “Ahhh, las luces aprendidas, pero nadie en casa…..” The lights are on, but nobody’s home….

(CUT TO VIDEO)

Beavis (SINGING TO VIDEO)

Butthead That sucked Beavis!

Beavis Welllll…. at least I tried. You just sit there on your ass and make me do all the work!

(singers in video wearing red flower pots for hats…)

Butthead Yeah. Hey… check out those hats…

Beavis Yeah. Those’re cool. You can stack one inside the other and you can have like all different colors, you know. Its like you can wear one one day and another the other day and like put ’em on your head y’know? And they can like protect you from like harmful rays…

Butthead Beavis… you’re a damn wierdo!

Beavis Shut up Butthead. I’m not from here, you know!

(CUT TO PRINCIPAL MCVICKER’S OFFICE)

McVicker Uhhhh… look! I don’t know what your problem is… but I simply cannot have students wandering the hallways during class, interrupting other classes and giving prophesies of a great plague.

Beavis Oh… yeah. Sorry ’bout that.

McVicker Wait! What was that? Did you just say you were sorry?

Beavis Ummmmmmmmm….. ummmmmmmmm

McVicker You did! You just said you were sorry. Uh… didn’t you?

Beavis Uhhhh… yeah. heh heh…

McVicker You see! I knew it. You kids have never apologized to me once! Maybe this is a new day for you. Maybe punishment isn’t the answer! I’m gonna let you go. Ya know… I’m actually proud of you today. Take some candy with you…. (BEAVIS LEAVES)

Secretary Now, you’re going right back to class, right Beavis?

Beavis Yeah… uhhhhh… no. NO! I must get T.P. for my bunghole! pulls shirt over head I am the great Cornholio!!! heh heh …. heh heh

Secretary Do you need a hall pass?

Beavis Are you threatening me? heh heh… yeah! I need no hallpass.

(LEAVES)

I need holio for my bunghole!

(WANDERING THE HALLS, sappy music)

I am the great Cornholio! I have no bunghole! BUNGHOLEEEEEOOOOO! I need T.P. for my bunghole! We are without bungholes!

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