Where this goofy ass name comes from…

Once upon a time, there was a type A asshole named Critter Joe.  He owned a consulting company called Critter Joe Enterprises. (He got paid to say, “you suck.”) Critter Joe Enterprises had a consulting contract with “Bongholio.”

Bongholio terminated the contract because Critter Joe (through Critter Joe Enterprises) wouldn’t do what Bongholio wanted. Critter Joe and Bongholio had a colorful relationship, which involved Critter Joe (supposedly) testifying falsely under oath for Bongholio at the purported urging of Bongholio’s hired assassins.

Critter Joe wanted to sue for breach of contract for getting canned, but also for unpaid wages, so he could get extra money. The problem was that Critter Joe was an employee of Critter Joe Enterprises; the only “wage” claim Critter Joe had was with Critter Joe Enterprises. Also, his previous testimonial issue would create a credibility problem. Juries hate admitted liars. There is a very simple truth in the law biz that more work, like rehabilitating his character if attacked, would mean more expense. This seemed like an important consideration for someone with no money, no job, and who would be billed at an hourly rate.

After discussing it, Critter Joe received a “thanks, but it’s a no” letter explaining that he would need to look elsewhere for help, due to costs he couldn’t afford and issues of merit. Also, there was no charge for the time expended.

This is his [redacted] response:

Dear [Wink Dinkerson]:

I am disgusted by both you and your firm and the sniveling, money-grubbing way you seem to decide whether or not to take on a case. The determining factor obviously has very little to do with legality, case merits, or simple right and wrong but rather with how little work [your firm] can do (of which you are included), but with a maximum monetary payoff. Frankly, in my opinion, you and your firm epitomize the reason members of your profession are viewed with significantly less respect today than was once the case.

The change in your overall tone and attitude toward me and my issues with respect to [Bongholio] between our meeting on [meeting date] and our follow-up telephone conversation on [phone call date] are like night and day. Either you have a very lacking scholarly grasp of the applicable laws in this matter (which I find unlikely considering [various matters]) or following your “meeting” with the partners were simply acting as their messenger puppet on [phone call date]. I think the latter is the case. In light of this, I find your use of my ‘reputability’ [sic.] as an excuse to make me go away reprehensible. How God damned infuriating! How dare you people question my character or reputation at the same time you make a decision whether or not to take a case based so obviously on the ratio of the likely work versus monetary payoff.

[blah blah blah… [George Costanza] you cannot break up with me; I am breaking up with you! [/George Costanza] ]

Lastly, and because I doubt pointing out to you the real reasons lawyers are supposed to be in existence in this country (balance and fairness as part of “justice for all”), I will instead close by saying, sleep well gentlemen.

Sincerely

[Critter Joe,]President [of self-important, sadly deluded Wankers]

Critter Joe got somebody else, and filed a breach of contract and wage claim. The wage claim was dismissed for lack of merit before Bongholio even answered the complaint.

Hmmmm. Sounds like something I predicted. Critter Joe was countersued personally. Something about frivolous claims, I think. Now it’s settled. Critter Joe may have walked away with his shirt. But I doubt it.