Again, don’t ever do these things!!!
101 (forgot where I left off – Damn you Jose Cuervo) Get a bunch of beer and drink it. Go to a new subdivision under construction where the parents of someone you know are building a new house. It will be more fun explaining this to people who can be publicly humiliated by their association with you when you get caught. Find a ladder leading to a basement. One of you should sit on it and exercise your colon. (Eating Taco John super beef burritos beforehand is a big plus!) Rationalize this behavior as a 1st Amendment protest of suburban sprawl at the expense of open land, farms, wetlands, bunnies or whatever. “ELF this, bitches!”
101a. Then, find a big truck that some contractor was silly enough to leave on site. Prepare a scientific experiment on the internal rotational properties of a 9.2 liter V-16 (or whatever) engine by removing 1/2 of the spark plug wires from the plugs. GM did something like this called a V8/6/4 where some of the cylinders shut off in certain conditions (but often didn’t restart). You need to know RIGHT KNOW if the technology has been improved.
101b. Probably some concerned citizen will be bothered enough to follow you out of the neighborhood and for a couple of miles. When you come to the main road and they turn around, throw your car in reverse and follow them (backwards) at MAXIMUM SPEED. You need to impress on them that you did not do anything by employing criminal intimidation methods. When you’re ready, do a Starsky and Hutch power spin so you can follow them like normal hoodlums.
Tell your passenger that you think you are going to have a problem (with the police, because undoubtedly, you are SOOOO BUSTED) Your passenger will probably be thinking of excuses to use after the impending felony stop, like “Help me officer. This madman (who I do not know, and no that is NOT a picture of him and me in 4th grade) abducted me from Carlos Murphy’s, home of the $1 Chocolate Margarita.”
102. When you are about 6 years away from the legal drinking age, go to a party hosted by the football team in a hall across the street from the police station (before it moved here). You can trust the bartender to keep you from drinking too much by always asking, “Can I have another?” If he says “yes,” you’re good to go.
102.a. Later, throw a full cup of beer in the face of the jerkweed who teases you on the bus. Getting punched in the back of the head is a surefire way to impress the girls and get laid. As an extra bonus, get a ride home with your sister Milquetoast‘s friend Anne, who you secretly want to bang (like every other girl in school who is not your sister or a dog). Show Anne your undying lust by puking down the side of the car, so that she will remember you as that studmuffin from the beer bash. Don’t worry that it’s her boyfriend’s car and he is a linebacker who outweighs you by 200 lbs and now he’s not gonna get laid.
As a double extra special bonus, when you find a toilet, puke your lungs out without first taking off your glasses. Flush. Once your hangover is gone, have fun listening to your Dad tell his stupid drunken adventures on the way to Pearlevision tp replace the glasses that “mysteriously disappeared.”
103. As 8 Barrel, invent the “screaming pukes” by combining: too much beer, Tareyton cigarettes and blue (extra minty) Skoal. Use your own throat as your spittoon to really get the nuances of the experience.
104. Bring a pint of schnapps on that fraternity hay ride, because you can handle liquor as well as you handle beer. Drink it on an empty stomach, because nothing spells fun like mortal intoxication. Impress Scott Roseypalm’s girlfriend Carly by trying not to fart in her face while she is holding you by a belt loop as you puke down the side of the car.
(Hmm. A recurring theme.)
105. After working the night shift at Drug Food, go grab a couple 40s and go to the driving range with Phid. If your shots aren’t falling like you wish, use the club as a bat and try to toss the golf balls in the air and hit them. If you miss the ball and the club flies out of your hand and hits Phid right between the eyes, breaking his favorite Bugman shades and causing him to pass out and his head to start leaking blood profusely, don’t worry -he’s probably not dead! Once he stops leaking, drink more beer to numb the pain of narrowly averted criminal negligence. His wife probably won’t even notice the 5 iron shaped dent in his head.
Ask the driving range people for a coupon to use next time, while they are mopping up the trail of brain juice from your pal.
106. Swipe liquor from the people you babysit for. Just dump out a couple bottles of tonic water and fill them with whatever is around – bourbon, scotch, vodka, gin. Don’t bother to separate them; just mix it all in there. Stash them outside and grab them later. Then, keep them in your locker at school. Score a pass to the library with that girl Lisa who is sooo hot and probably puts out. Say (in your best Butthead voice) “Hey, baby” and invite her to your locker for a snort on the way. She will probably get drunk and horny right there. Repeat as necessary. (May not be successful if she has a boyfriend named “Bosco” who wants to kick your ass.)
106b. Next time you babysit, just swipe the whiskey and vodka, but keep them separate, using the same method. Then, go to your friend Dick R. Brettman’s party and impress his theater friends by mixing Tang right in the vodka. Don’t add water, because that will just dilute the buzzatrons in the alcohol.
If this tastes gross, go for a walk and leave the vodka-tang (the predecessor of Absolut Citron, I’m sure) in somebody’s jeep for them to enjoy. You don’t want to trespass, so just toss it in there from the street. Without the cap. Overhand. (HINT: then RUN!). Go back and do shots of whiskey and chase it with Vernors. Hit on the host’s date. (He expects it.)
(Don’t worry, none of this EVER happened)