Going Crazy on Packard Avenue
More stupid drunken things NOT to do. You will need a time machine to travel back to the 1980s if you want to avoid jail.
17. You and 2 buddies should go to a girl’s house who all of you are all hot for. If she is named after a bird, so much the better. Do this in a college town. Fill up her window with your empty beer cans. If you’re lucky, it won’t be a picture window, but you won’t shirk from the challenge if it is.
18. After the window is full, the guy with the best chance of getting laid (i.e., not you) should proceed. This is probably the only guy with a realistic chance to get laid by this girl (or in general). The other 2 (i.e., you) should demand his POS car for the express purpose of driving while buzzed. Perhaps it will be a high performance Starfire. With no clutch and doors that open all the way to the headlights.
Drive to the next college town. While cruising the ghetto Ypsi, fight about whether the first driver agreed to switch DUI offenders drivers at the end of the song or the end of the tape. Practice Curbhunter….
19. but first invent Curbhunter by driving down winding college town roads at excessive speed while placing your car as close to the curb as possible “without going over.” ((c) 1973 Bob Barker). If you survive, you win! If you crash/die/rot in jail, then not so much.
20. Some other day, pretend to have mended your evil habitual DUI ways by letting a friend drive your car because you are (strangly and uncharacteristically) able to deduce that you are TOO FRICKING WASTED to be driving. Passed out in a corner is more your speed right now. Be sure to pull over in front of public buildings in order to puke in the trash can on an as needed basis. This works best if there are people in tuxedos around – nothing validates a night of Mahler like a retching frat boy.
21. Speaking of puking (again), this is a way for another of your friends to voice his thoughts on Meister Brau and the movie Bladerunner by barfing on the frizzy hair of some lady in the next row. She won’t notice.
22. The only way to see flicks is with smuggled in drinks. Especially beer, because no one will notice the bulge of 6 tallboys down your pants. And they certainly won’t recognize the sound of a pop-top can opening, or empties rolling down the cinema floor towards the screen. (I’m talking to you, Mark Ehrn-Wah.)
Start with these:
The Wall (1982); Heavy Metal (1980) (A couple “Buzz Units” (quart bottles of Miller) or a 6 pack)
Star Trek V: Kirk Shits on the Entire Franchise (1989) (a 12 pack)
From Justin to Kelly (2003) (minimum of a Coors party ball and/or a pint of Mr.Daniels)