Hold the pickles: The Burger King episodes

Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, special orders don’t upset us – unless you place them

57. Always get a double Whopper with Cheese, onion rings and a vanilla shake. This will leave you with aromatic burps very soon, and high-quality farts to spice up your morning tomorrow, especially during a hangover, when those sorts of things are really welcomed.

58. Feel free to sing/recite/bellow “Valley Girl” or some other insipid little ditty at the top of your lungs, in between bites of your Whopper at the back of the restaurant at 1 am. Everyone else will love it, and you for it. Wait in the parking lot for your rave reviews.

59. If there is a regular customer that completely weirds you out, and you see him while you’re in your street clothes, just go ahead and yell at him (through the window when you’re leaving). He won’t recognize you without your paper hat and stinky polyester shirt. Or at least you will have time to run to the car and split before he can catch up.

60. Halloween is a great time to get dressed up, go to a frat party for a few beers, then drop in at the old BK to run the drive-through for an hour or so. It’s a holiday! John, the shift manager (who eventually married Jody #2, the first girl you ever really fell for AND had a chance with), is quietly afraid of you, and wouldn’t dare stop you.

60.a. Go back to the Phi Sigma Kappa party and finish that beer goggles fitting. Make a date with some (apparent) penthouse pet who has apparently fallen for you. (You can’t shag her right now, because your future roommate Todd is using your room as his love nest. At some point, either this night or later, Todd will even shag this girl (in your bed – ewww!)). Keep your appointment to meet this girl a couple days later (since you were smart enough to budget time for a hangover). There is nothing as exciting and fun for others to watch as seeing you recoil in horror at seeing clearly, in the unforgiving light of day, the skank you were propositioning the other night. Bad news will be if she recognizes you out of your costume (which she will). Make a suitable excuse like “I forgot to mention that I am gay” to get out of any future dealings.

Chevrolet Malibu
yeah, like that one

61. On HS graduation night, go get a buzz on with a pal like Pod, and go to the BK Lounge for some of that Whopper action. If you happen to nail the bumper of a cream colored 4 dr ’77 Chevy Malibu while backing out of your spot and some pedestrian (who is probably the owner) yells out “hey you…,” just floor it the rest of the way out of the spot, throw it in drive while rolling backwards and floor it again (a “powerslam”), leaving whoever that was in a cloud of tire smoke and squeals. Yell “Fuck you” at him for good measure.

62. Phid’s babe hound friend Mike has never heard this story (#61). Drive down the road with the windows down as you retell it at 60 mph. Yell it, especially the “Fuck you” part, because the car is loud, and it’s exciting to relive another chapter of your personal Penis Lord of Scum career. Ignore the off duty police officer right next to you with his wife and kids. He is not chasing you down the road because he heard you scream it, thought it was meant for him, and is pissed off. Oh wait. That IS the reason he is chasing you. When the sheriff pulls you over, try talking your way out of a ticket for public swearing by explaining the story you were telling (without admitting the DUI/hit & run/ public swearing parts).

63. Be a gay man named Jerry, with an affinity for Garfield and a black ’76 Grand Prix. Strike up a friendship with a BK coworker named Annette. She won’t mind that you moonlight at a gay club where you dance on tables dressed as a woman, and remove your clothes during the songs (a “drag stripper”). See how quickly you can creep her out by propositioning her because your mom wants you to at least give hetero sex a try before you commit, and, disgusting as it seems to you, she’s is the only female human you would ever attempt to boink. She will never tell anyone who would ever put it out on the Internet.

64. Go back to being yourself and go home with Annette after work for some beers and kicking back. Both of you should get a good buzz on and get horny. Kick yourself later because the buzz was a little too good, and you only have a hazy memory of second base(?), and then it was morning and she dropped you off on the way to class. Something good happened that night but damned if you can remember. D-ooh!

All Growed Up

65. Carry a torch for this girl. When you go back to BK next summer, try to recreate that magical night by coming over for beers throughout the summer. And leaving. Repeatedly. And very single. As a white bread cracker, ride your Schwinn from the BK to her house. This is an exceptionally brilliant idea, since she lives in the same part of town as all the poor, (mostly) Black people. A couple of the local teenagers will make a socioeconomic statement by flinging rocks at your head as you bicycle into her driveway. Why not debate them, and put their political and social theories to the test? Or run.

On Annette’s last night in town, ignore the mellow “grab a brew and chill with a BKGILF” dynamic you successfully established. Instead, get melancholy and stupid, and clumsily try to get laid. Ignore the fact that her dad is staying with her tonight (and she is SOBER and has a BF waiting in Indianapolis for her). For extra humiliation, go over the next morning “to help her pack” and nonchalantly try to assess the damage, and reverse it with a blanket apology. It won’t work – you are tattooed in her mind as an asshole instead of the sweet guy from the summer before. Worse, her dad knows everything about last night and hates you for it. Well, THAT explains the glares, doesn’t it?

66. Party with your boss, Reza and Annette (before you screw it up with her forever) or some other semi-hottie from BK. Later, tell Reza he can’t fire you because you will tell on him to the alcoholic DM Larry for smoking dope like a fiend. You are Tony Soprano, Dood! Reza will respect you in a ” balance of terror” sort of way. Or he will want to kick your ass.

67. You and 8 barrel should take Jane to Kenny’s house for a party after work. Treat her like she’s your date. She’s SEEN your package before (on as trip to the big lake) and will never be your GF. She will eventually (probably) forgive you for the presumption, and for trying to put your arm around her like she’s your girlfriend, once 8 barrel explains that you are a fucking idiot virgin with no clue whatsoever about girls and no social skills.

Karma:  Much of this she has already surmised.

68. Get Jane to buy you 6 packs of Miller High Life in bottles, after work. You and 8 barrel should go kill a 6-pack in between double shifts. Impress your friends with your ability to pound a bottle of MHL in 3.5 seconds. [Ed.: This is actually true.]

69. Get Jane to buy you more, then you and 8 barrel can drive over to your old junior high, and each pound 3 of them.  They call that a “buzz unit.”

Then run over to your friend (Chevelle) Brian’s house and yell at it. Not at Brian, who is sleeping, but at his house.  His folks love THAT!


69 +1.  Whopper well done, on a burger bun guy.