Let me t-t-tell you bout some friends I know
They’re kinda crazy but you’ll dig the show
They can party ’till the break of dawn
at Delta Chi you can’t go wrong
Phi Sigma Kappa Frat boys = genetically drunken and stupid?
17. Drink any amount of tequila. Be grateful if you live to tell about it.
18. Go to college, and decide that your maturity and alcohol tolerance exceed all known limits. Buy a fifth of Two Fingers tequila and swill way the hell too much of it during a frat party. Mix it with something to kill the taste of death. Nice people will pour you onto the couch and leave a puke bucket within projectile distance.
19. Be a kid named Tim who got out of high school a couple of years after you did, and who you knew from Boy Scouts. Come to a Phi Sigma Kappa party and live at the keg. When you are crawling on all fours and being herded towards the door, remember, everyone is laughing at you, not with you.
20. Let some other high school kid named Matt who has a twin and whose sister had a turbo Supra come get drunk. Get voted the guy who has to call the parents (who you barely know) and drag the kid off the lawn where he is riding on the Budweiser stupor train and poor him into Dad’s car. Explain why it’s a good thing that you were there to keep him from a DUI, even though you overlooked keeping him from the “Under the Influence” (aka Minor In Possession) part, jackass.
21. Be a guy named JimDoug (aka “Pickles”). Break the fraternity record for stupidity by doing 15 beer bongs in one night. Survive by only holding a couple of them down.
22. Be a guy named Mike Lebendude. Go to CMU on a Phi Sigma Kappa road trip. Drink Jack Daniels and headbutt everyone you see. You can wish all you want that you were some high school kid who was passed out on your lawn, but there is no escape from the cinder block vice that will compress your head the morning after. Actually, that sounds like an improvement over the way your head will feel.
23. Be smart enough to know, when you are on that road trip that:
a. headbutting Mike is unwise, and
b. the suggestion that you switch to JD from the keg beer is meant to sedate you, because you hit the PLOS stage an hour ago, dillweed.
24. Drive to the UM/MSU game the next day in Ann Arbor, and back to CMU, all with a massive pounding hangover. 4 hours in a car. 4 hours of 100,000 people screaming in your ears. That’ll be fun.
It’s nice that you rented a Buick Century, in order to avoid wear and tear on your Marquis. It’s not so nice that a window fell out on the first rental car before you got past the frat house driveway. It’s even nicer noticing on Sunday morning that there is a dent in the fender you don’t remember seeing when you picked it up. Whoops.
25. Run screaming and naked into the snow on a dare, Matt.
26. Let your future roommate Todd use your room to get laid by 3 different girls in the same night, while you go get shot down by every other girl at that party put a buzz on.The answer to the age old question is YOU. You get to sleep in the wet spot. It’s as close to getting laid as you will get for 6 months, so enjoy it.
27. Sleep with more girls than you can count or presumably remember.
- Trish/Skeletor
- Jody 2
JodyJodi 3- that mousy girl with the glasses
- Mary and the other one
- Robin
- a hundred others?
Do not have sex with any of them because of too much or too little beer for one or both of you – Just crash in (or on) the same bed, sofa, car, floor or tree. Do NOT repeat the second sentence of this paragraph to any friends who are gullible enough to believe the 1st sentence standing alone.
28. Celebrate the invention of Bud Light and the fact that it is merely yellow river water by playing basketball on the roof with 8 barrel and some girl named Sheryl. She is Piller’s girlfriend. Or maybe Padlock’s. Who can tell? The Phi Sigma Kappa house roof is 2+ stories off the ground, and most of it is sloped. If the experience doesn’t kill you, wait 20 year and then post it on the Internet for kicks.
21 thoughts on “My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.”