Lahaina Vice

More adventures of the Stupid, brought to you with a little help from Don Ho, Jeff Spicoli and Tony Montoya.

9. Park your car in the west entrance of a nature preserve near your house. If your pal 8 Barrel is there, that’s cool. Do this at night. Point your car at the road, while you sit there and talk about college and girls and Shit with your lights off. When a car passes, flash all your lights, then turn them off.

Was that a cop you just blasted with 10 million candlepower? Don’t be dumb enough to wait for confirmation. When he pulls you over at the Shell station down the road and asks you where you go to college, he is not really interested in those unpaid parking tickets. He’s just shooting the shit, because he’s glad you’re not a dope dealer.

10. Go to a party at Jane’s apartment with Chuck*, Army Paul and some others from the BK Lounge and the frat. Talk to that girl who seems to be really interested in you, out on the back stoop. Then drop that new school logo cup of yours that was full of beer. Show this girl how interesting you are by exhausting your entire vocabulary of swear words over this crisis, because it’s way cooler than just laughing it off and fetching the cup or grabbing a cheap ass Solo cup like everyone else has. Surprisingly, this girl will rank you as an 11 (out of 10) on the retardo scale. But you’re not done…

*Yes, THAT Chuck – he grew up to be a campus cop. He also accidentally shot a suspect who was on the ground and in cuffs at the time.

11. Get stupid drunk at another party at Jane’s. It’s Halloween, which is Druid for “where’s the beer bong?” Her roommate looks h-o-t HOT! in that geisha girl outfit. Ask her boyfriend “How is she?” You don’t give a f*** about her mood or her health – you mean “does she shag like a minx?”

11.a.  Escape the party with your life.

11. b.  Narrowly.

11. c.  Go back the next day to retrieve your special beer cup. Upon overhearing the boyfriend ranting through the open window, wisely decide to just keep on walking, instead.

12. Go to a party at Kathy P’s house. For sure, she is a BK Lounge hottie, since she is alive, under 30, human and female. She is not a kook with a fucked up family life, like BK Michelle.

Karma:  Which Michel(l)e? Either one.

Kathy Passero
all growed up

Kathy is also way out of your league, or so you both think. Nonetheless, Army Paul wants to help you get in her pants (or in anyone’s – he is very empathetic to your situation).  So, at the party, when he’s standing next to you, and you’re standing next to her, he will reach around and goose her. She will be so turned on, she will jump your bones right there. Or she will be disgusted and not speak to you again (Thanks Army Paul!) and will even lose interest in 8 barrel, who she wants 10 times more than you.

13. Go to the annual Aloha party at TC’s house. Familiarize yourself with the layout of the place, because you will wake up there a few times down the road. On this night, bring 8 Barrel and some Popov for the trashcan punch. Classy!  Copy 8 Barrel’s efforts to hit on that one girl even though she is not interested in you.  As TC leads you from the balcony in his pith helmet and Magnum P.I. shirt, sing Tiny Bubbles with the assembled masses by the Tiki torches.

TC and Gingerman

14.  Go to a Super Bowl party at the frat house.  At halftime, do bong hits with Piller, Pretty Boy and Cripley.  Get a beer buzz going first, so that good judgment doesn’t impede the doobage opportunity. Early in the third quarter, towards the beginning, somebody will yell at you to move your head.Turn around to see who it was.  Nobody that you can tell.  Turn back to the TV.  It is now the fourth quarter.

Keanu Reeves: Whoah!


15.  For some reason, wake up at the Aloha party house.  You won’t remember how you got there or what you were doing there.  Maybe it was New Year’s Eve.  Maybe it was the screening of “Lahaina Vice” (your movie with TC) at a different Aloha party.  All you can be sure of is that you feel like death, and there was puking involved in your recent past.

16.  At (yet another?) party at TCs, walk into the bedroom where Scott Roseypalms, his friend Dan from MSU and a couple of anonymous babes are doing some powdery thing (it’s not “Pepsi”) in preparation for a sexathon or something.They offer you some, because they want you to leave. You (or rather Mr. Miller Beer, who is controlling your “brain”) accept, because you are desperate to invent the Penis, Lord of Scum mode. Plus, this crap is expensive and so it must be good. The not powdered sugar they offer is not a doable quantity of the actual stuff, but the residue, if any, on the mirror. “Rub it on your gums” they will tell you.  Nothing happens.  Or #15 will happen.  Who can say?

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