Stupid Drunken Things Not To Do
Golf, somebody else’s girlfriend, your girlfriends. What could possibly go wrong? If your friendships survive these… (well, they won’t, so don’t worry about it.)
1. Go to 8Barrel’s house to hang out. 8barrel will crash around midnight. Continue drinking with his GF/Fiancé Easy E. Do not, under any circumstances do anything with her except drink, smoke cigs and talk about whatever stupid thing pops into your mind. (You are unlikely to run out of material.) Don’t even share the same piece of furniture. Kick yourself if you even half-entertain a thought of anything involving you + being drunk + this alive human female that will get you into trouble. This will be an important lesson later.
Go to 8Barrel and E’s swinging new pad to help them “redecorate.” Make it harder by starting as many projects for them as possible, like peeling ugly paint off the doorways and cleaning brass fixtures. Don’t finish any of them.
Guess what? Brass cleaner tastes like sulfuric acid. Grab the right bottle when you want a hit of your beer.
2. Show up at 8 &E’s place for beers and shit. Ignore the fact that it’s their 6 month anniversary and they would prefer boinking to your company. This is almost universally true for every time you drop by. Later, remind them that it was your birthday, and then bankroll the resulting guilt. You will probably need to use it later.
3. Hop the fence at the country club to play “capture the flag” and look for your balls. Well, they will be yours as soon as you “acquire” them.
Hmm. Now that this task is over, why is your wallet not in your back pocket? %$#&^%$#&^%$. Before you make plans to go shopping for affordable wallets, maybe you should call Phid. If you’re lucky the wallet is in his car and not on the course waiting for an angry ranger to find it. He will let you fret for a couple of days before letting you know that, “yup, it’s right here. (nimrod)” Since you never have any money, don’t bother to see if it’s gone when you get the wallet back.
3.1 Go to a different course called Thornapple Creek. Something bad happens here. Something very, very bad, but you cannot remember anything more than a foreboding sense of guilt. Gingerman may have been involved, and/or Phid. Tell yourself that the lack of memory (or arrest) is a good thing. Nothing you own is broken. You can still fart like a man, and there are no goat chancres on your gonads months later, so declare victory. And stop asking questions.
4. Go on a sorority hayride at this same course with a girl named Theresa. She adores you.
Karma: Obviously, she is not very bright.
Get her alone on one of the greens and DO NOT BOINK HER right then and there.
In the weeks before the hayride, take Theresa to see a movie. Pick “The Big Chill” because you think it’s cool that everyone, including the dead guy, is a Michigan alum. You are completely oblivious to the fact that it’s a chick flick, but she will think you are oh so sensitive and metro for suggesting it. The heartwarming themes of camaraderie and sacrifices and yearning will light her fire, while you are sitting there wondering why they did not show more of a four year old football game in the movie.
- Because you are secretly gay? No.
- Because you are hung up on Jody #2? No.
- Because you haven’t found your balls on the golf course? No, because you did that a minute ago.
- Because you are an inexplicable wuss, fearing that you will be roped into a shitty “relationship” if you fall for the sex thing? Probably the last one.
The only reason your man license hasn’t been suspended is that your frustrated dates are too nice to narc on you.
After the hayride, go home to the sorority house with her. She has arranged for a few hours of privacy, and will “spontaneously” get all naked. For such a small girl, her boobs are monumental. Nonetheless, DO NOT BOINK HER right then and there either.
Why? BECAUSE she is too interested in you. Your dates, or lust objects need to loathe you, think of you like a brother, or their gay friend Maurice, be committed to someone else or otherwise unavailable. What fun is rejection if it is not going to happen? How can you bitch about that bitch that won’t put out if she actually will, and right here and now?
5. Obviously, as a sex hungry frat rat, you must step on her emotionally at some point (it’s the rule), but that smidgen of conscience you haven’t beaten with a 5 iron once again keeps you from getting laid before you just stop calling her pretending to be interested.
Karma: You know, if you had worn the beer goggles, this would be a career highlight night.
After two unjustified turn downs of the same girl, your man card is immediately revoked. Tell your Phi Sigma Kappa brothers that you did her anyway. Tease the next brother that goes out with her – kissing the mouth that blew Cripley = blowing Cripley and so forth. You’ll get your man card reinstated, under the “total asshole” exception to the “failure to get laid” violation.
6. Go to a party hosted by Merloid in Battle Creek. Leave for the party when your shift at “Osco Drug Food” ends at 8, and catch a ride with Phid and Camaro. Play cards and drink and chat. Get a little snotty and tell Mrs. Camaro to go make you a drink. Ignore Merloid joining her in the kitchen. Just drink whatever they put in front of you. That’s a good boy.
Then go sit in a car with Pod’s wife, Dribble. You have the hots for her because she :
- is an alive human female
- is married, so therefore unavailable to you.
- will talk to you without screaming and running away.
Karma: Obviously, she is not very bright, either.
Yeah, Baby, yeah! Set her new Mercury Tracer on fire Burn a hole in the roof of Dribble’s new car with your cigarette, to preserve the memory of what may or may not happen next.
Karma: This would be a good time to kick your own ass right out of the car before anything worse happens.
It won’t work. While you have no specific memory about what happens next in that car, you will notice something that appears to be a hickey on your neck the next morning. You will have no explanation.
Karma: Maybe you should have asked Merloid and Mrs. Camaro to kick you instead of mixing gasoline and Everclear and serving it to you. Could that mystery drink have anything to do with this gap in your recollection? Hmmmm.
Be sure to wait like 5 years (after the car has been crashed (by Dribble) and he lives in another state) before admitting to Pod that you “accidentally” set his new car on fire. Never admit the apparent hickey.
7. Later that same night [ed.: morning], spoil a trip to Denny’s at 3 am by deciding to pee in the middle of the parking lot, in full view of the customers. The late night crew always gets a kick out of this. Your friends will (again) realize that you are a dumb ass and wish that camera phones and YouTube were invented.
8. Luckily for you, your Mom will make sure you go to work at Drug Food 3 hours later (since you are still on probation at the store), even though you stink of formaldehyde and Mercury Tracer ashes. You won’t remember the first couple of hours of your shift, and will pray for death during the remaining 6.
9. Your ex-girlfriend Madonna will find that you work at that store. She will ask you to get a drink after work. You will accept to prove that you are not under her sexual spell any longer and can handle the whole emotional trip that comes with it. Things get a little hazy at the bar, and you will both need to yak on the ride home. Blame the food. You don’t care. The couple that barfs together…. uh, can still do something that doesn’t rhyme with “barfs” together. Go back to her dorm room and have the best drunken sex ever. EVER.
For kicks, go freshen up with some Scope from that bottle in the bathroom, but grab the shampoo instead. (At least it tastes less worse than brass cleaner.)
Try to be invisible when the roommate comes in and pretends not to notice the extra lumps under the covers. It won’t work.
No, this doesn’t mean that every time you see Madonna it’s party time. Don’t let that stop you from trying.
10. Agree to meet Madonna for another drink. Bring 8 Barrel with you to the bar under Bilbo’s to keep you from hooking up with Madonna, since no matter what lies you tell yourself, you are completely out of your depth with her. Don’t tell him that despite the moral support you would leave him stranded there in a heartbeat to go tap that ass. You know you would, because you know exactly how ripe that ass is.
Audience: How ripe is it?
A: Ripe enough. Now STFU
He should know, as a man, that the chance of sex right now always trumps friendship or any future regrets, like, “I shoulda held out for dinner first.”. (He is also aware you’re not getting any elsewhere, so DUH.)
In any event, 8 will figure out his role in the scheme of things during an embarrassingly awkward moment when she’s leaving, you’re following, and the whole “don’t let me leave with her” scheme just blew up. Neither of you will care, due to beer and babe. Plus, 8 can now refuse to let you live down exactly how powerless you are with Madonna in the room, now that he’s seen it first hand. As if you care at this moment either.