“It’s wrong to know” – Penis, Lord of Scum, ca. 1987.

Ignore these words of marital advice at your peril…I dare anyone to do something more drunken and stupid than this – except don’t do it, you fool: tell your spouse exactly what went on in the strip club. Include every detail, including any offers you received and your thought processes before responding..Ask her if there are any antibiotics left over from the kids’ last ear infection because you think you might have caught something.Get all this on tape if you can – the cops or her divorce lawyer will thank you, depending on whether you live to see morning.

Outside of a prison sentence, only a box of peaches that you [this sentence has been sanitized for your protection] on New Year’s Eve could be worse.