Stupid Drunken Things Not To Do
It’s international Phid/Camaro Wedding Day. Drink up!
Phid is getting married. WTF?
By this point, you should have figured out that you will not be stealing his girl (Camaro) from him, as you silently bet yourself you could when you first met her. You were a clueless imbecile then (and she instantly recognized it- game over, dorko).
Too bad you don’t have the balls to pierce your ear, just to piss off the bride. You can congratulate yourself in 20 years. Luckily, you can blame your failed electrical system.
The future couple will make the comic/tragic mistake of having an open bar, even though they know you are on the guest list. Again, WTF?!
At the reception, amuse the old people with supplemental lyrics to a popular song “Hey!Get laid, get f***ed!” (Really scream that last part. Old people are deaf.) If “Eat Shit/Fuck You” works at Tiger Stadium, this can’t be out of line here.
Later on, while the happy couple is in lounging in Margaritaville, go with Pod and Dribble to a lake where, once upon a time when he was 14, Phid scored a phone number from some girl you guys met. Man, that guy was good. And now he’s married? WTF?
Anyway, Dribble wants to swim, even though it’s midnight. She does not want to risk showing your horny ass any of her fun skin (for good reason), and refuses to change right there on the beach. “Honest, I can’t see anything” is somehow unbelievable when coming from undersexed drunks in the middle of an immense vodka and beer mistake.
So, go over to that nearby party store where you work , owned by Mr. and Mrs. Trailer Park – Dribble can change in the beer cooler. You know the alarm code and have a key. What could possibly go wrong?
You can work the key just fine, but something seems amiss with the alarm. Call the police station up the street and ask if your alarm is going off, because you are too drunk to hear it yourself. Then wake up Mr. Trailer Park (who lives – guess where?) and try to explain it while your brain and lips are novacained. Asshat. Then go swim. The trailer park people will be so relieved that they still have beer to sell that they will forgive you. Or at least not shoot you.
At least not today.