COLORADO SPRINGS, CO–In an obvious effort to out-hype Senator John Edwards, who Wednesday claimed that if John Kerry wins the election, crippled people like Christopher Reeve will get out of their wheelchairs and walk again, Vice President Cheney today claimed that if President Bush is reelected, dead people, including Christopher Reeve, will get out of their graves and walk again.
“The President has a direct line to the Almighty,” said Cheney, “and he has been assured that should he win a second term, the Lord God Himself will resurrect Christopher Reeve as a sign of His approval.”
Edwards made his claim a day after the death of actor/activist Christopher Reeve, who was paralyzed in a 1995 horse-jumping accident, citing scientists’ belief that further stem cell research could lead to “miracle” cures for paralysis and a host of of other diseases.
As an homage to Christ’s resurrection, Cheney waited three days before claiming that God would resurrect Christopher Reeve and all other dead people. His announcement was made after lengthy closed-door consultations with a hand-picked panel of theologians, televangelists and faith healers, who believe that if our scientists forego stem cell research and focus instead on the healing power of Christ, including prayer circles and the laying on of hands, God will reward us by reuniting American citizens with the reanimated corpses of their loved ones.
After giving the zombies a brief furlough to visit their families, Cheney said the President will call up the dearly departed to form an unbeatable zombie army.
“Make no mistake about it,” said Cheney. “A zombie army is crucial to winning the war against terror. There isn’t a country in the world that can stand up to it. Zombies are a very powerful force. They don’t get tired, they don’t need sleep and they don’t eat, except the living flesh of our enemies.”
However, Cheney was quick to point out that an invincible zombie army will become reality only if President Bush is reelected in November. “If the American people decide they’d rather elect John Kerry, then say goodbye to the zombie army and hello to an army comprised of former cripples and riders of the short bus.”