In a startling show of conscience, chief administration witch hunter, paranoid and Orwellian enforcer John “face full of Pornstars” Ashcroft resigned from the ruling Cheney junta today. Sources could not confirm whether he tied himself to a stake, or participated in a new federal inmate shower initiation ritual in symbolic solidarity with people he persecuted over the last few years. “I fucked up. This is not the goddamn Taliban.”
Prior to overseeing the rapid systematic erosion of civil rights, Ashcroft’s career was highlighted by losing to the late Mel Carnahan in the 2000 Missouri senate race.
Ashcroft claimed that “The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved.” Wow! I guess that means no more Patriot Act, right? And no more cavity searches at the airport? And OBL is dead? And there are no terrorists buying assault weapons in this country since Bush let the ban expire?