Messenger Puppet

Office Slang

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404 – Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, “404 Not

Found,” which means the document requested couldn’t be located.

“Don’t bother asking John. He’s 404.”

Adminisphere – The rarified organizational layers above the rank and file

that makes decisions that are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant.

Alpha Geek – The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an

office or work group. “I dunno, ask Rick. He’s our alpha geek.”

Assmosis – The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement

by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Batmobiling – putting up emotional shields. Refers to the retracting armor

that covers the Batmobile as in “she started talking marriage and he

started batmobiling”

Beepilepsy – The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers

go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy

facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

Betamaxed – When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but

better marketed competition as in “Microsoft betamaxed Apple right

out of the market”

Blamestorming – A group discussion of why a deadline was missed or a project

failed and who was responsible.

Blowing Your Buffer – Losing one’s train of thought. Occurs when the

person you are speaking with won’t let you get a word in edgewise or

has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. “Damn,

I just blew my buffer!” (Synonym: “Head Crash”)

Body Nazis – Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down

on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively.

Bookmark – To take note of a person for future reference. “After seeing

his cool demo at Siggraph, I bookmarked him.”

Brain Fart – A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly;

a burst of useful information. “I know you’re busy on the Microsoft

story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?” Variation

of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.

CGI Joe – A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and

charisma of a plastic action figure.

Chainsaw Consultant – An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee

head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Chip Jewelry – Old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decoration.

“I paid three grand for that Mac and now it’s nothing but chip

jewelry.”

Chips and Salsa – Chips = hardware, salsa = software. “First we gotta

figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa.”

CLM (Career Limiting Move)- Used by microserfs to describe an ill-advised

activity. “Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is

a serious CLM.”

Cobweb – A WWW site that never changes.

Crapplet – A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. “I just

wasted 30 minutes downloading that crapplet!”

CROP DUSTING – Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then

- An office filled with cubicles.

Dead Tree Edition – The paper version of a publication available in both

paper and electronic forms.

Dilberted – To be exploited and oppressed by your boss, as is Dilbert,

the comic strip character. “Damn, I’ve been dilberted again!

The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.”

Dorito Syndrome – The feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered

by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. “I just spent

six hours surfing the Web, and now I’ve got a bad case of Dorito

Syndrome.”

Egosurfing – Scanning the Net, databases, etc., for one’s own name.

Elvis Year – The peak year of popularity as in “1993 was Barney the

dinosaur’s Elvis year”

Flight Risk – Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning

- Fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in “we were so

lost in generica that I couldn’t remember what city it was”

Glazing – Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open; a popular

pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. “Didn’t he

notice that by the second session half the room was glazing?”

Going Postal – Totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees

- A “Get-Out-Of-Debt” job. A well-paying job people take in

order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they

are solvent again.

Gray Matter – Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial

firms trying to appear more professional and established.

Graybar Land – The place you go while you’re staring at a computer

that’s processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray

bar creep across the screen). “That CAD rendering put me in graybar

land for like an hour.”

High Dome – Egghead, scientist, PhD

Idea Hamsters – People whose idea generators are always running.

Irritainment – Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but

you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a

prime example.

It’s a Feature – From the old adage, “It’s not a bug, it’s

a feature.” Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant problem

you wish to gloss over.

Keyboard Plaque – The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on some

people’s computer keyboards.

Link Rot – The process by which web page’s links become obsolete

as the sites they’re connected to change or die.

Meatspace – The physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also “carbon

community” “facetime” “F2F” “RL”

- That minuscule fraction of time during which you realize you’ve

just made a terrible error.

Open-Collar Workers – People who work at home or telecommute.

Percussive Maintenance – The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic

device to get it to work again.

Perot – To quit unexpectedly. “My cellular phone just perot’ed.”

Plug-and-Play – A new hire who doesn’t require training. “That

new guy is totally plug-and-play.”

Prairie Dogging – When something loud happens in a cube farm, causing

heads to pop up over the walls trying to see what’s going on.

Ribs ‘N’ Dick – A budget with no fat as in “we’ve

got ribs ‘n’ dick and we’re supposed to find 20K for memory

upgrades”

Salmon Day – The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream

only to get screwed in the end. “God, today was a total salmon day!”

Seagull Manager – A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits

over everything and then leaves.

Siliwood – The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers;

also “Hollywired”

SITCOMs – What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them

stops working to stay home with the kids. “Single Income, Two Children,

Oppressive Mortgage”

Square-Headed Spouse – Computer

Squirt the Bird – To transmit a signal up to a satellite. “Crew and

talent are ready…what time do we squirt the bird?”

Starter Marriage – A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with

no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy – A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.

Swiped Out – An ATM or credit card that has been used so much its magnetic

strip is worn away.

Tourists – Those who take training classes just to take a vacation from

their jobs. “There were only three serious students in the class;

the rest were just tourists.”

Treeware – Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Umfriend – One with whom one has a sexual relationship; as in, “this

is Dale, my…um…friend.”

Under Mouse Arrest – Getting busted for violating an online service’s

rule of conduct. “Sorry I couldn’t get back to you. AOL put

me under mouse arrest.”

Pinch – The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate

keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II

computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command

Well Off Older Folks.

- Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.