According to sources in Boulder, Gary Barnett’s butt became irretrievably clenched today when his main apologist and job security leverage, Betsy Hoffman announced her resignation. “That fucker is on his own now – I hope he saved some of the beer, dope and hookers for his own going away party” the president reportedly said, “because I’m outtie. And I’m taking the g**d***ed slush fund with me”. And, she added, “ouch. Would somebody pull this fucking sword out of my chest – it really hurts.”
When reach for comment, coach Barnett reportedly had his face buried in a Dorito bag (having set aside a private stash with slush fund monies).