Star Whores

I rented the first/last three Star Wars ™® © 1977-infinity movie things, so I can compare the *original* to the new generation when I go see Sith.

A few comments and observations:

Star Wars:I already saw this once in the last year. Stopped watching after the *escape* from the death star. Just not that compelling in large doses, at least now that the story of Vader and Leia is fleshed out. Maybe every few years. Saw some foreshadowing I didn’t remember from before.

Why doesn’t Vader recognize Leia?

Ooooh, I can sense the force in Luke through open space and the hulls of 2 spaceships, but when I am in the room with some princess with the same power, all I notice is that she is braless.

Wait. I do understand that one.

Grand Moff Tarkin – No I do not want to escape – I do not fear the assault of a Maytag repairman (*Stay on target. Stay on target.* boom).

The Empire Strikes Back: Actual critics have praised this as the best of all the Star Warses, and after viewing it for the second time, I have to agree. Saturday was only the second time in my life to see this one.

I was so pissed the first time around:

  • “I am your father”? Stupidest plot twist ever.
  • “Ha – ha I cut off your hand”? Stupid.
  • We’ll meet later and do all this stuff in the next movie, leaving all these story arcs unfinished. You manipulative sons of bitches. Fuck you. I will never watch this piece of shit again.

Or so I thought at the time.

  • How does Vader learn about Luke – the movie starts with him hunting for *that Skywalker mofo.* Did the rebels blog something about *Skywalker to Empire: STFU, pwn3d bishes* after the death star went boom?
  • Leia kissed her brother on the mouth two times in #2 (V). In #3(VI) she claims she always knew Luke was her bro. WTF? Are the Skywalkers from West Virginia?
  • Why does Vader put on his hat when he is closing himself in the Darth Orb thing, but he’s going to die in #3 if he takes that stuff off outside the party ball?.Shouldn’t he be losing the leather when it’s just him in the spaceball?
  • Why don’t Jedis make their opponent’s weapons fly away? Why not make their opponents fly away?
  • Why doesn’t Vader get any space *action*? He can force choke some dude over the TV, but can’t get some blue hottie to drop by the spaceball for some *reach out with your feelings*? Imagine what he could do with some internet pr0n webcam subscriptions.

This is actually a good movie and well directed. Just some plot holes.

Return of the Jedi:OK, this whole thing is stupid and/or a rehash of the 1st. Plus .

  • In #1, Han owed something less than17,000 to Jabba. Why not just pay the slug off for Han instead of giving him robots and stealing them back? Why not take the reward for the dog monkey (Chewbacca) and pay off the debt? Or Jedi float a big salt shaker over his ass.
  • The AT&T symbol death star worked so well let’s just build another one, instead of something that, you know, works.
  • A couple years at most have elapsed since we blew up the last ball of doom, and yet we get the bigger replacement ball more than ½ done and fully operational that quick. Not even Slartibartfast and the mice work that fast.
  • Vader bitches about the construction schedule?Who fucking cares about Empire administration? Bad foreshadowing for 4-6 (I-III)
  • Theychanged the end.They killed theewok yub nub song – Yay! Now, just kill the ewoks and all is forgiven.
  • They added *ding dong the emperor is dead* footage from all the BS, who cares, madeup worlds from I-II.Meh.Replacement Muzak sucks.I fall asleep. Bad foreshadowing for the prequels.
  • They replaced dead old guy Anakin with dead young guy Anakin. Yes, it’s continuity with the shitty prequel to use the young Anakin actor, but, gee, Obi Wan and Yoda are still their old *at the time of death* selves.
  • Luke gets accountant hair, which signals that he is now just a smug piece of cardboard whose job is to just go act noble and one dimensional.

I have seen II (#5) and followed what people have said about I, and this is the secret to why the prequels suck ass. No Han Solo, your worship. Full. Ness. No genuine humor or charisma from the actors. They might as well be CGI like that Jar Jar POS. I blame the dialogue and the direction. Unsurprisingly, I have to point at Lucas. That fucker really needed to take a step back and let some talented people run with his concept in order to make great movies.

The robots don’t count for humor. The whiny, gay-stereotype 3po shtick gets old after a couple of minutes. The *aww* cuteness of R2 when he tries to shag an electrical socket is just a momentary diversion. Harrison Ford carried the original 3 movies, being the stud and the only one bringing humor and breaking the drone of a plodding, mostly unsurprising plot and there is nobody in the prequels that fills that role. It’s all so Serious, and the attempted humor is forced and bland. Where are the scoundrels? Where are the smiles – on either side of the screen?

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