Hate $2.50 gas? Kill a Hummer

Let’s play economics, for a minute. The Captive media tells us that high gas prices are the result of tight supplies and increased demands, us and the emerging economies of India and China. It’s just ordinary market forces, blah, blah, blah.

Bullshit.

Oil companies are making record profits, so part of the problem is corporate greed. Legal? Yes, because our idiot legislatures refuse to recognize oil as a utility, like electricity and water. So, don’t plan on any price controls to impose sanity on your fillups.

Thus, we are left with economics to solve our problem of out of control gas prices. We cannot control supply or price, but we can control demand. I can’t drive less, but I get 30 mpg. My demand is managed to about maximum efficiency.

On the other hand, how many H2s do you see on the road, with just one person?

A: All of them.

How many H2s do you see driven to the grocery store for some coffee and a pack of Viagra lights in a box?

A: All of them

They will tell you, in between bites of gluttonburger with cheese, that it’s their right to drive what they can afford, and use whatever gas they pay for. Without digressing into a Malthusian analysis of that line of shit, let me just say “Fuck You” to all the Hummers, Suburbans, Excursions and the rest of the SUV whores (except for the three of you who actually use all that “capability”).

• Gas for your trip to Safeway for Slim Fast is not only a waste of time, it is one full weekend’s worth of gas for my errands – groceries, beer, kid parties – plus a family day at an NFL game. Fuck you.

• Your commute? One day of your lard ass hogging the left lane uses enough gas to get me to work and back for the whole week. Fuck You.

• My trunk holds more than your undersized (H2) “cargo area,” so I can make fewer trips to the Costco in the first place. Fuck You.

If people stopped driving these pieces of shit in favor of something that makes actual sense in the reality-based, non-enzyte-addicted, finite-supply-of-oil-world, everybody still gets to drive all they want, but demand, and thus price, will go down. (Yes, Chinese and Indian demand will offset the gains, but Bush plans to nuke them both in 2007 anyway.)

I cannot tell anyone to go pop Hummer valvestems with pruning shears. It is illegal, and it doesn’t cure the problem – A 3 mpg tow truck will come to haul that pig to discount tire. The problem is actually worsened. Anyway, temporary disabling does not save anything. There has to be something to encourage the manpurse-wearing swine to recycle those shitboxes without committing felonies.

I am open to ideas. So far I have

• The classic FUH2 salute

Do YOU want to be flipped off everywhere you drive?

• Signs to slip under windshield wipers of the offending turdmobiles. There has got to be a witty slogan or image that communicates the fact that Hummers make everyone else’s gas more expensive.

Or the fact that they suck ass.

Join the crusade. We’ll get our cheap gas back. Or at least shame a bunch of fuckheads back to reality.