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The Onion | U.S. Blowjobless Rate At All-Time High

WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of a recent drop in the sexual-interest rate, Labor Secretary Elaine Chao announced Tuesday that blowjoblessness in America has reached a record high.

According to Labor Department statistics, the overall blowjobless rate swelled to 37.4 percent in July, causing widespread deflation of egos.

“Cutbacks in oral services have left 55 million Americans unsatisfied,” Chao said. “Although June saw a promising jump in the age 15-19 demographic, with many teenagers finding summer blowjobs, almost 82 percent of married men are completely blowjobless.”

The historically fluid blowjob market reached its climax in 1996, when millions of wives and girlfriends vigorously stimulated the privates sector. But while demand has remained extremely high, supply could not, or would not, keep up. As a result, the blowjobless rate has climbed steadily, and today’s limp market shows few signs of immediate expansion.

According to Chao, long-term relationships are responsible for the loss of many of this year’s blowjobs.

“Over time, traditional blowjob providers prioritize other services, eventually eliminating those blowjobs that they deem unnecessary,” Chao said.

“Blowjobs are not as plentiful as some Internet sites would lead you to believe,” said blowjob-market analyst Tom Cochran. “Overall, it’s an extremely dry market. I myself haven’t had a blowjob in years.”

“And it’s not from a lack of trying,” Cochran added.

Some professional men who once had a steady source of outcome have begun looking for freelance blowjobs. Fairfax, VA resident Dave Abbott said if he can’t find a blowjob in his field, he’ll move to a throbbing market such as Las Vegas.

“I heard they’ll offer a part-time blowjob to just about anyone in Vegas,” Abbott said.

According to Labor Department statistics, almost half of blowjobless Americans are living below the oral-poverty line, and benefits packages that include sexual intercourse are not enough to sustain them.

“For many of these orally disenfranchised men, a hand-to-mouth existence is but a dream,” Cochran said.

Experts predict that as this problem snowballs, it will affect even those who are currently receiving blowjobs. Economic indicators have hinted at a nationwide downsizing, meaning thousands of men will be getting laid in the coming months.

Amid growing concerns, Rep. Collin Peterson (D-MN) has proposed a stimulus package that he said will help create over 300,000 new blowjobs by the end of the year.

Said Peterson: “We can only hope that some compromise between the lip-service industry and the blowjob market can be achieved in House resolution H.R. 69.”

Here’s the “steady leadership” you promised, Mr. President

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By Gen. (ret.) Wesley ClarkWashington Post
Unabridged Version
August 26, 2005

In the old, familiar fashion, mounting US casualties in Iraq have mobilized increasing public doubts about the war. Now, more than half the American people believe that the invasion of Iraq was a mistake.

They’re right. But it would also be a mistake now to pull out, start pulling out, or set a date to pull out. Instead we need a strategy to create a stable democratizing and peaceful state in Iraq – a strategy the Administration has failed to develop and articulate. Continue reading

When asked for comment, noted Ball State alumnus and former frat rat Dave Letterman simply burst into tears.

Liquor stores in college town quit selling kegs

Associated Press

Aug. 26, 2005 07:40 AM

MUNCIE, Ind. – Beer drinkers in this college town will have to settle for bottles or cans – more than a dozen liquor stores have quit selling kegs.

The stores are hoping to ditch low profits from kegs, compared with beer sold by the case. Some say they also hope the move will help cut down on alcohol-related violence and accidents.

“The majority of students are very angry because they don’t get why we’re doing this,” said Chris Johnson, manager of Muncie Liquor.

advertisement All six of the chain’s stores have been no-keg zones since Saturday. At one store, a popular mural featuring a Ball State University Cardinal with a keg and the logo “Keg Headquarters” has been painted over.

“A keg weighs 165 pounds. That’s a lot of weight for my people to handle,” said Johnson. “It’s tough on our equipment, it’s tearing up our coolers, and I no longer see the profitability of it.”

Save-On Liquor also has quit selling kegs at its six stores in Muncie, and Friendly Package has joined in as well.

But some beer drinkers – particularly those of college age – don’t understand why the stores would quit selling a product that is sought-after, profitable or not.

“You tell kids at other schools that you go to Ball State, and now you’re going to hear, ‘You mean that school where you can’t buy a keg?’” said senior Aaron Shepard.