100 Greatest Guitar Solos: STFU, n00b!!!

[Ed.: By our friend  Superstar]
Dear DigitalDreamDoor:

Uh, excuse me…

Carlos Santana doesn’t even APPEAR until 102?!?! You’re Bastards.

B.B. King at Eighty-fucking-EIGHT?!? You’re Pricks.
While My Guitar Gently Weeps at 40, 18 spots behind The Allman Brothers? You’re Fuckin’ Rednecks.

At least there was ONE Eddie that made it to the top ten. But for Eruption? I dunno…
Joe Satriani is on the list SEVEN times (not even counting the Live list) but not on the top ten? WTF? You’re Assholes.

10. Hotel California – Don Felder/Joe Walsh (Eagles)10. Hotel California – Gipsy Kings (Guitar solo? What guitar solo? Who the hell cares? THIS version of Hotel California makes the Eagles’ version sound like my Mother screeching “Happy Birthday” from the bottom of a beer can.)

November Rain – Slash (Guns N Roses) – Maybe the ONE on the list I agree with. Right song, right place. I reiterate: MAYBE. I wouldn’t hate if it were a little higher, but…

Jimi Hendrix’s Star Spangled Banner only appears on the “live” list, and at number EIGHT?!? Oh PLEASE! Rules in your own words:

Originality, complexity, influence, and lasting appeal are also considered.

Do one of you want to tell me the exact number of boys (any age) that DIDN’T pick up a guitar and want desperately to become a star and get chicks just like Jimi Hendrix after hearing that? Umm… here’s a guess… Only the GAY ones, and that’s just because they wanted play so they could pick up on other BOYS! AYFKM?!?! You’re a bunch of PUSSIES! And not the good kind of pussy, either!

Which brings me to Part 2 of 2 of My BIG BITCH: No women. Two Hundred and Ninety One dudes, and you couldn’t even come up with ONE token chick. (As far as I could tell, anyway. I didn’t scour your list that deeply for the same reason I don’t look for the quarter my dog ate borrowed when he pays me back: digging through that much crap is just not worth it.)

“Duh… well… Superstar, there are just not any “females” that are that good.”

One word: Lita. Cocksuckers.


[Dr. Gonzo: I will not argue with you on your endorsement for #1. Not that I agree with it. I just don’t really think I am that qualified to make that argument. No, fuck that. It’s Jimi. I know it, you know it, and anyone that doesn’t is an idiot. Yes, I’m bitter.]

Fuck you, Digital Dream Door. You’re morons. Or as my really hot sexy ex-boyfriend says:


I do love him. What a great mullet. And check out that AWEsome Cards’ T-Shirt. I still haven’t gotten over the fact that he left me for Pamela Anderson. *sniff* She’s such a lucky girl. *sniff sniff* I miss him so…

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