So, it’s a weekend like any other. It’s raining* and I need to pack my 200 lb. TV and other shit into a pickup bed that’s 3 sizes too small. Yes, it’s GTFOOH day. Yay. Naturally, this means that my neighbor needs to see me – probably to nickel and dime me on the stuff I am selling him.
Come over man, I need to talk to you about something.
Come on in the house man.
Here you go man, go take care of business…
This is what he meant…
Yes, that’s right. My going away present was a hooker, all blond and naked and crouching tiger** on the bed – the key differences from the picture above being the lack of gold paint and the presence of aliveness. Also the raging crack habit and the (presumed) herpes.
Me (to the professional): Oh, hiiii. How are you? *waves stupidly*
Neighbor: Go on and get your freak on, big guy.
Me (mulls it over for about < a second)
Me (inner monologue): Tonight’s top 10 reasons why this is a bad idea…
10. No body condom
9. No HMO coverage for penicillin –
Fuck 10 reasons. Fuck this whole bullshit hypothetical. No. Just… no.
Me: Uh, thanks man, but I have to take a pass.
Neighbor: You sure, man? You don’t want a little head or something?
Me: You go take that bullet for me. [I actually said exactly that.]
So yes, it’s true. I actually turned down a piece of ass.
Also turned down? A variety of prescriptions and topical creams to cure previously unheard of STDs, plus extortion by my neighbor and/or a career as a YouTube porn star.
*Yes, rain. In Phoenix. For the first time in 5 fucking months.
Hi, God. Is this rain supposed to be a big “Fuck You” to me? Or is it some sort of Oprah moment with cleansing breaths and fresh starts and bullshit like that? Because cash or a party at Hooters would work just as well.
**I cannot say anything about any hidden dragons, because I wasn’t willing to get that close to that crouching tiger. At this point nothing would surprise me. I only saw her from the side and she did have the blanket bunched up in front a bit.