Me: 2, Mother Nature: 0

My good friend Superstar once advised me to “stop running over people.” So, I took that advice to heart, and even crayoned “stop running over people” on the middle of my windshield. Still, that leaves a lot of targets…

A couple of weeks ago, I was driving. Pigeon in the middle of the road.

Me: Phasers locked. I dare you to fly away, bitch.

(they always fly away, just in the nick of time)

Bird: Coo. Wait! WTF? Shields! Shie-
bam (not this time)
Bird: *flies away,.missing its tailfeathers*
Me: Evade THAT, bitch!


Ford Focus in front of me: *swerve*
Bird: Fuck, this broken wing fucking hurts. BTW, walking sucks, too.
Me: WTF with the swerve and –
Me (imitating 8 Barrel): Oh Shit!



Bird: *flies toward the white light, gives Kevin Finnerty briefcase to Steve Buscemi*
Car behind me: *we need more washer fluid*

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