AARP <3 me

Leisure Suit Me in Scottsdale.

Chatted up this hot surgical nurse. So did two other guys. But, once the beer kicked in, I knew it was time to BTF off, because, AS I JUST WROTE, the beer kicked in. See this if the significance escapes you. I’ll see her next time, maybe. Then I went into this other room at this bar, and there were these two women who were so uncomfortable, they needed to be told (by me) that it was OK to sit down. So they did. They invited me to join them, so I did. We talked and talked and talked, and it was all fine and dandy in that 3 Miller beers = the perfect buzz sort of way (except for the Miller part). It was better than that even, because they were laughing at the stupidest things I said, and engrossed in my stories. They said I had a great voice and presence, and should be a CNN commentator, and with my storytelling ability, I should be a writer. Silently, I called shenanigans, once they started in on how fantastic I was, based on a couple minutes of half drunk war stories. “Let’s just see how far they want to push this. Or how soon I get bored.” I may be new to being single, but as a sixth degree blackbelt in utter bullshit, sychophantic praise ain’t fooling me. They were horny, they knew i was buzzing and they thought I would be an easy score. I know what you are thinking: “Gonzo, it’s been weeks months years way too long. Get back in the game.” That’s all true, but one of the many lines I have to draw is grannies. Not grannies like hot 35 year olds whose kids are old enough to have kids of their own. No, story book grannies. Norman Rockwell grannies. Mother in law-like grannies. Uh, no thank you. I fired that secretary who was the star of her own granny porn. I sure the hell wasn’t going to bag a couple of live grannies. Sorry. It’s a no. But it’s an honor to be nominated. Really…

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