Beers, strip club and plastic. What could possibly go wrong?
Pizza & Schooners of Duff Beer at Bilbo’s Pizza – $40
Mom foots the bill, including your bar tab – priceless.
(Actually, just the $40, but she doesn’t drink and doesn’t like to pay for your drinks, you beerhound)
Lunch with Dad $30
Watching him try to hit on the Hooters waitress with such winners as “You’re from Turdhole? My son here was BORN in Turdhole” and feeling (strangely) almost competent by comparison – Priceless
Telling your kids about “Grandpa the gigolo” – Free
Being able to instantly shut them the fuck up [without explicitly saying “STFU”] when they start trying to tell Grandpa about the story you told them before they get to the part that will make him want to kick your ass – priceless.
Also priceless: Knowing that there is no way in hell that he could kick your ass.
Mom: You should spend some time with your brother while you’re in town.
Me: This isn’t going to end well.
* * *
Cracker: What should we do?
Me: Hooters. Wait. Been there, done that. Titty bar.
A soda and some cash to spend going out for a couple of beers with your brother – $101.00.
* * *
Me: I’m out of $20s and the strippers are lame. Let’s get food. And beer.”
* * *
Bar ATM $202.50.
* * *
Waitress: He [Cracker] said you were paying for all these beers he had.
Dancer with “anything goes” attitude : He [Cracker] said you were paying for all these dances he had.
Me: Fuck me. WTF Cracker?
Me: *Empties wallet. Learns “anything goes” only applies to Cracker. WTF?*
ATM visa card for Beers $8
Strip club voucher $100
tip for waitress for letting me get my own money, $12.
* * *
That bitch Breanna charged you $40 for a 2 for $20 pair of really shitty “dances.” Consumer fraud, bitch. Plus, it was simply her dancing AT you and was nothing at all like the interactive performance art you can get back in Brown Cloud City. Plus, she yelled at you for your beard snagging on her hair.
Nick Saban Don Johnson does NOT have to put up with this shit.
Not being arrested for beerwashing that wench – priceless
Also priceless? Not getting the shit kicked out of you, only because your drunken ass was (barely) coherent enough to know not to argue with some cocktease stripper about price points. Live to blow all the cash you have another day. Or in about 10 minutes from now…
* * *
2 a.m. entry and unlimited soft drinks (that they don’t give you) for two – $26.
* * *
Stripper: Do you want a lap dance or a naked dance?
PLoS: Yes, please. *empties wallet*
Strip club ATM $106.
More nakedness ensues. Unilaterally.
PLoS: *empties wallet*
Now it’s 4 am. Everyone in the fucking house has heard your grand entrance. But, the fun’s not over yet. Contacts. No go juice. Fuck.
Me: *remembers a 30 hour date with Superstar in December*
Me: I could sleep with them on. I probably won’t wake up blind.
Me: *remembers HS reunion tomorrow in 7 hours. Remembers that contacts turn to razor sharp shards if they don’t baste long enough. Remembers paralyzing fear of having to wear coke bottle glasses after traveling all this way*.
30 minute (each way) 4 am drunken stumble to 7 Eleven because you’re out of contact lens shit. – $11.11.
Remembering to buy aspirin and Propel because it’s almost sunrise and you are not 18 anymore – priceless
Also priceless? Not having to see Flava Flav at the counter buying $10 worth of Lemonheads and Red Hots again (this really happened at a party store in Ann Arbor).
Not having to DUI at any point in this madness – priceless
Also priceless? Not being arrested for walking under the influence, either.
Not having a credit card to max out with $1,000 cash advances – priceless
Being able to transfer $500 bucks to your bank account so that your rent check will still clear, now that you spent 1/2 of it on beers and not getting laid (once again) – $500
Not being thrown out on the street by Shithole Realty, your lessor, since your check will now clear: Fucking Priceless