I miss cable

I need to stop watching channel 99 from Turdhole AZ…

I don’t have cable for the next three days. No ESPN. No “TiVo.” No PPV porn. No internet. Dammit!

So this morning, I woke up with the shakes, from broadband withdrawal (or from the worst El Salvador beer ever. It’s hard to say.) Imagine my horror to turn on the tv and find the worst toupee ever yelling at me. It (Steve Munsey’s hairpiece) said “God is going to touch my children.” God needs to keep her damn hands off my kids.

The toupee also said, and this is the weird part – wait – a talking toupee is the weird part; this is the stupid part.  Anyway, 10.2.06 is “the day of atonement.” This means that this is the day that God makes decisions for humanity for the next 12 months. (This is all the toupee talking, not me.)

Really? God uses a day planner? God sits down and thinks, what do we have for humanity on, say, January 13? Do we want to have a blizzard in Denver because of the NFL playoffs? Do we even want to see Denver in the playoffs? Maybe if the Cards rethink their stance on Pink Taco Stadium, it will be their turn. And what about locusts? When was the last time we had a plague of them? Oh, and the prime rate? We need to adjust that.

Wars and hurricanes and shit usually start in August or September, because Satan is trying fuck up the process and influence God’s ballot. (Still the toupee talking.) It’s not the Bush cabal picking a fight with Iraq to steal its oil, it’s the devil at work. So, Monday is a big day. And, BECAUSE THE END TIMES HAVE STARTED, God might just decide that it’s over, he’s spent, we’re done.


I miss the days when God just wanted me to be rich, and televangelists built amusement parks and assraped hookers. I miss last Sunday, when I could waste the day on the internet instead of watching talking hairpieces prophesize that the end of the world will happen before my apartment is even fixed. Maybe I need to pull out my Minister of Dork certification, get some more beer with a “Nose of skunky chewy tic-tacs and grains steeped in antifreeze…a straight up shitty beer [that s]mells like strong rotting vegetables” and make my own predictions.

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