Compass Bank: Dear Gonzo – Go Fuck Yourself

F***ing banks suck.

MSN Music (in July): We would love to sell you $2.13 worth of music.

Me: Yay!

* * *

Me (in September): Give me all my money Compass, I am so over you.

Compass: Fine, asshole, but you left $0.80.

Me: Evs.

* * *

MSN (in September): Yeah, I think we would like to get paid our $2.13 Cha-ching.

Compass: Hah! 0.80-2.13 = NSF bitch. $36.00 please
Me:   La, la, la – WTF?  What is this charge? Why the hell did you authorize an ATM Visa charge on an account I emptied?
Compass: We’re not an online bank so we OK charges up to a set amount without checking your balance. Piss off.
Me: Fuck! How could I have avoided being assreaped by this completely disproportionate and punitive charge?
Compass: Putting another $1.65 in on the same day the charge came in.
Me: How could I know the charge came in?
Compass: It would be posted online the next day.
Me: Sweet.

Compass: After another $6 ding for being a day late in paying the fee we didn’t tell you about and you couldn’t check on line.
Me: Fuck me. OK, I contest this charge because I forgot all about a song 3 months ago. Close the account.
Compass: We can’t yet. We will give you a provisional credit while we investigate (i.e., back off the charges and NSF fee).

* * *

Me (yesterday): A-ha. MSN music was slow, and I fucked up by forgetting them. Better pay the goddamned $36 blood money.
Compass: Hah! You owe us $170 for your $1.67 oops. We did NOT give you any credit while the “investigation” was pending. Pay us $6 a day for not having any money in your account, bitch. From day one.
Me: You fucking assholes. When were you going to tell me I was your $6/day bitch?
Compass: Chillax, dude. Evs. It’s not like it’s $8 million you owe us. Just write a check. Oh, and it’s too late to go to the ATM now, so were gonna add $6 more for tomorrow.
Me: Fuck. who can I bill this bullshit to?

Anyway, 2 songs cost me $100 (they backed off a week of bullshit charges). Fuck. That is like strip club pricing.  but mine is the ass that got grabbed, and none too gently.

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