Worst Idea Ever

Mainstream Mustangs
Sedan and wagon models to join coupe as Ford builds on pony car’s strong brand
By GREG KABLE AND BOB GRITZINGER
AutoWeek | Published 12/13/06, 3:12 pm et

Ford’s iconic Mustang is poised to play a crucial role in Ford’s future by expanding beyond its traditional role as a single performance figurehead into a complete range of global models. And the company’s Australian arm looks like the source for all the necessary hardware. In a secret product planning meeting last fall, key Ford executives discussed a bold strategy to take the legendary Mustang mainstream. Ideas include both sedan and wagon variants of America’s original muscle car, with those cars joining the traditional coupe when the sixth-generation Mustang arrives in U.S. showrooms in 2011, AutoWeek sources say.

Dear Ford:

What the fuck are you thinking? Are you fucking stoned?

A four door? A wagon? Do you not remember the total bastardization of the Cougar? You should. You fucking did it twice. repeatedly As much as I like Superstar’s later, mostly redeemed version, the car never recovered from the Deliverance treatment visited upon it by lobotomized product planners and marketers without a fucking clue. Assholes. Don’t do this. Build good cars instead of slapping a good name on whatever you can pump out at the Wixom plant. (That is a joke – they’re closing Wixom)

The concept:

Mustang sedan?
Ford plans to unnaturally fornicate Mustang because nobody likes the 500 or Focus?

We’ve been down this road before, no?  The previous better idea:

1. Start with a good idea.

The original Cougar kicked ass.

2. Pimpify it.

I love this particular edition – 77 XR-7, but starting in 1973 or 74, the Cougar became a Thunderbird/Mark IV clone: Vinyl roof, opera windows, hood ornaments. Mad sexy? Not.

1974ish Cougar
French hooker \Mentego

3. Whore it out

1977 Mercury Cougar wagon
This is the complete bastardization proliferation of the brand. Four door pillared hard top, wagon (above),  generic 2 door and the XR-7 (#2). Underneath, it is an LTD II (also RancheroThunderbird and Mark V). they’re all Torinos underneath, anyway.

4. Whore it out worse

Can hardly tell it’s a Fairmont
1982 Mercury Cougar wagon
although from this angle, the question becomes which Fairmont.

Now that it’s the 80s, everything is a Fairmont. Cougar is 2-dr, 4-dr and Fairmont wagon. Plus an Xr-7. (Mustang? Thunderbir? Granada? All Fairmonts. LTD II is dead. LTD will soon be a Fairmont, as will Mark VII .) Pimp it out for a few more years, as it slowly circles the drain.

5. Resurrect it.

The 1983-86 Cougar was the best iteration of the car since the original.

1986 Mercury Cougar

5a. Shit all over the renewed goodness with some goo old bloated baroque nonsense.

6. Too much weight is never enough, evidently.

The 1989-97 generic tumor roofed “Cougar,” presented without further comment.

7. Kill it.

1998

8. Let J.J. Abrams reboot it.

Not Superstar either

esurrect it, without the scourge of “broadened appeal” or “leveraging brand equity.”

7. Then kill it again, for good.

There’s nothing left to exploit.

Yeah, this could totally not be the same complete disaster for the Mustang as it mostly was for the Cougar. But only if they call the sedans something inspired, like “Probe II.”

One thought on “Worst Idea Ever

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