The Virgin’s Guide to Mexico

Oh Mexico – Notes From The Abyss.

1. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

In México, the rules are still the same:

  • Too much beer is almost enough.
  • Tequila shots? Bad idea.
  • Cheap tequila shots? Worse idea
  • Mystery double-sized, cheap tequila blended with tastes like rubbing alcohol and gasoline, even cheaper, local tequila shots? Don’t ask. Locate the nearest bucket first. It will be your amigo.

Speaking of amigos…
2. Hey baby…

…Everybody is your friend at the Mercado.

Street vendor to me: Amigo I got the best deal ever for you

Me: *rolls eyes at the 1,037th best deal by your 2,000 new hucksters amigos in the last 100 feet*

Street vendor to girls behind me: hey ladies, how’d you like to have a Mexican boyfriend?

Me: *mutters out of hearing range* You’re lucky you didn’t say that shit to the Bear, who came with me on this junket, Mr. Fri-to Ban-di-to, or I would go all Tony Soprano on you until you knifed my gringo ass.

3. Smells like teen spirit – Important fish buying tip. Fresh fish at the dock is not actually supposed to smell like necrotic death. Go on to the next stall. Got violently ill on Oysters? Buy ‘em at the market where they were just sitting unrefrigerated on a tray being picked over by flies? I wonder if there’s a connection. Hmmm.

4. Down in front.
México is every American’s license to ill. It’s a different country and your an American. Be an ass. What could possibly go wrong? So, come to Manny’s to get drunk and stand in front of Winston Smith, who is trying to watch the Suns lose. He’s gonna kick your ass and teach you some manners. Bitch.

5. A mighty wind

The fun is not the window of Pygmy’s minivan dying on the way. The fun is trying to skate through the border and the INS checkpoint with a cardboarded out window that leaves only gun slits for drivebys passing out your papers.

6. American clams
Mexico is filled with these dimpled, spherical clams. (Titleists) The kids will buy this story for a minute, or at least play along with the joke. What makes it fun is when the boss takes a slingshot and launches the ones you found earlier at you while our out frolicking on the beach. Explain to the kid what fucking idiot the litterer is. Enjoy the moment (or recoil in horror) when she repeats your description of the idiot to your boss, the idiot.

7. Always look on the bright side of life
What kicks ass at 3 a.m.? It’s not the drunken secretary that you have to nursemaid. Yes, your reason for helping rather than laughing at her pathetic drunken ass is 90% because she’s hot (when she’s not lying in a puddle of her own tequila). It’s not the other secretary who you have to help protect from her drunken aggro husband, then forget what you saw and heard from this asshole when Monday rolls around. No, the bright side is that the kids slept through all the bullshit, and you have nothing you need to explain to them, or to their mom when they want to tell stories. Kids don’t understand that what happens in Mexico stays in Mexico.

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