Some more tips for manejar en Mexico to make your trip mas excellente.

1. Dirt roads suck when you’re driving a Mustang. Bumps (topes) come from nowhere to bang your undercarriage. Fuckers.

• Sandy roads suck worse.  (think snow drifts and summer tires. Starting in 2nd is irrelevant. )

• Bring a shovel. I cannot stress this enough. Also, find a guy with a tow strap – it’s your only hope when you have made your position completely hopeless by trying to dig your own ass out.

2. Governors suck. 113 is too low for a governor when you have Z-rated tires.

• It is still enough to pass 12 cars in 1 stretch.

3. Rabbit season. Apparently Suburbans can pass 12 cars in a row, just to ride your ass. So can Corollas. Just not as fast and dramaless as you. Why? So they can match your speed, but you get busted. Evidently, they have been watching me, because I could not bait either of these fuckers to pass me.

4. Road babes. If you’re going, get a hottie to ride shotgun. Bonus points if she keeps your food/drink/tunes up to date. Double extra bonus points if she makes only one token remark about the possible presence of cops. Quadruple extra bonus points if she makes no effort to determine just how fast you needed to go to pass those 12 cars.

5. Speed is completely irrelevant at the border, when it takes you an hour to travel that last mile.  Unless it takes four.

6. Also, irrelevant at the border? Where you bought your meat. The border guards will seize your ham. Sadly, this is not some type of sexual innuendo. (Once you see the guard, it is no longer sad.) It is likely some act of solidarity between porcine cousins.

• Fuckers. That was some good ham.

7. The good news? This is what I discovered about gas in Mexico: