Not me.

Chief federal judge too drunk to remember night at strip club

DENVER – Court documents obtained by 9Wants to Know show Colorado’s top federal judge [Clarence Scalia] was too drunk to remember how he spent more than $3,000 at a strip club in two consecutive days. He also used an Internet dating service while he was married.

According to court transcripts,* the judge testified** about the night in sordid detail: “So I met this dude named Gonzo or some shit, and he was all, ‘hey bud, let’s party. I know these chicks…’ The next thing I know, I am waking up in an alley on Colfax, My pants are gone. My dick is still wedged in the ass of a passed out crackhead stripper named Genesis. I summon the courage to reach around, in case it’s actually ‘Gene.’ Luckily, it’s not, although something down there jabbed me when I was, uh, ‘investigating.’

“I spy my wallet down the street, empty of course, except for my trusty standby Trojan. Yup, this experience was bareback. My chest is covered in some unidentified goo that is either what’s left of a Frosty or some Santorum , and I reek of Merits, Cheese Whiz, and Milwaukee’s Best. Then my wife calls, wondering if I handled that ’emergency motion’ I lied to her about. I have no recollection of this, but better to roll with it than to explain this fucking train wreck I woke up in. ‘Uh yeah, honey, I think I did.'”

*which do not exist.

**that none of this occurred, except possibly the cheese whiz.***

***no, not even the cheese whiz part is true.

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