Cardinals Suck

raindrops keep falling on nobody at all - it's f***ing Arizona.  Also:  roof - duh!Another balmy 90 degree day. Another football game. Another closed roof. [Oops, more transmission of “any picture, account or description (whether text, data or visual) in any media now or hereafter existing of all or any part of the football game or related events. Pissoff.]

What? Closed? What gives?

So here is the policy at Pink Taco Stadium. Roof closed unless…

Retractable Roof Movement
Both the Arizona Cardinals and the NFL want to ensure that all fans visiting University of Phoenix Stadium don’t bitch that it’s too hot because we don’t want to hear it are able to enjoy the game in comfort. When the roof is open, it creates two different environments inside of the stadium. The majority of fans on the east side of the stadium will experience direct sunlight and those on the west side will not. Welcome to fucking Arizona. Remember Sun Devil Stadium? Visiting fans sit in the sun to shut them up and sell more beer While it is difficult to satisfy the wishes of all fans in regards to the position of the roof, the following guidelines have been developed to better educate ticket holders on this decision making process.

During the stadium construction process, the Cardinals developed “sun studies” to show fans if their seats would be in direct sunlight during the game with the roof open. Fans can view these animations on the Cardinals website at:

Residents of Arizona know the effect of the sun and how much warmer it can feel when located in direct sunlight. Studies from other organizations determined that it can feel up to 15 degrees warmer than the air temperature when situated in direct sunlight. This means that standing in sun during an 80 degree day can make it feel like 95 degrees to the human body. At times a light breeze can reduce this effect, but even when the roof is open there is little or no breeze inside University of Phoenix Stadium.

The two main meteorological factors in determining the position of the roof are heat and chance of precipitation. With these two weather factors and the effect of direct sunlight on the body in mind, the following guidelines will provide fans with a better understanding of the potential position of the roof on gamedays.

  • For afternoon games during the pre-season (August) and the first two months of the regular season (September and October), the stadium roof will be closed because we’re too lazy to think about it due to the average daytime high temperatures and chance of thunderstorms during the monsoon season.
  • For afternoon games in November and December, the stadium roof will open if the forecasted high temperature is 75 degrees or lower and the chance of rain is 20% or less. Other weather factors like high winds or cloudy skies could also play a role in the position of the roof. Or, we will just make shit up 5 days in advance.
  • For evening games throughout the season, the stadium roof will open if the forecasted high temperature at kickoff is 85 degrees or lower and the chance of rain is 20% or less. This won’t happen because we typically suck, and so we never get SNF or MNF coverage.

The Cardinals are required to follow all NFL policies in effect for retractable roof stadiums as well. In accordance with NFL policy, the following guidelines must be followed:

  • The roof can only be closed during the game if rain or other hazardous weather conditions develop or are anticipated 5 days in advance. Or more. The only exception is that the roof will not be closed for rain in the last five minutes of the fourth quarter, or prior to or during any overtime period.
  • If the roof is closed at the start of the game or during the game, it cannot be opened for the remainder of the game.
  • If the decision is made to open the roof, the roof must be open no later than the time that the teams take the field for pre-game warm-ups. Please check the Cardinals website ( before you leave for the game for more information on the position of the roof.

There is the rub – the default decision is closed unless x, y and z. Green Bay doesn’t have to put up with this bullshit. San Diego either. The Cards are obviously not interested in open roofs. So why the fuck did we spend an extra $200 million on a feature that the team is determined not to use?

I hate you, Bidwills. You and your goddamned motorcades.


Dennis Green

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12 thoughts on “Cardinals Suck

  1. How horrible are the Cardinals. How in the world did they manage to loose both 49r games. What a freaking joke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Probably 7-4 come Sunday, pendejo. Also, it’s 2008. This post is from 2007.

    Record 8–8
    Place 2nd NFC West
    Playoff Finish did not qualify

    They can still match or even exceed that record this year, Mr. Math Wizard. I don’t care much where they end up, since no one I know is on the current team.

    More importantly, this post is about the fucking roof, not the (usually shitty) Cards. Did you even know there was a hole in the roof? You paid for it. The Cards generally lack the testicles to open it. In 2006, by way of example, they gave notice 5 days in advance, even disregarding their own policy, that they would not have the roof open no matter what for a November game against the Lions.

    They (actually, their cheerleaders) can suck my enormous dick on the roof issue; you can bite my ass.

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