Mitt Romney: I am a whiny little bitch

Romney McCain
Where’s my thumb?

WASHINGTON (AP) – John McCain effectively sealed the Republican presidential nomination on Thursday as chief rival Mitt Romney suspended his faltering presidential campaign. “If I fight on in my campaign, all the way to the convention, I would forestall the launch of a national campaign and make it more likely that Senator Clinton or Obama would win. And in this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign, be a part of aiding a surrender to terror.”

“Also, I am a complete jackass. You saw right through my flipfloppery, but I hope you are too stupid to call me out on gratuitous fearmongering and lies like those in the preceding paragraph. Now, if you will excuse me, I must go change into my special underwear for a visit from Grandma nutty fudge. Evidently, the question of who is who’s bitch has been answered, and the answer is me. Anybody got a breath mint?”

McCain Seals GOP Nod As Romney Suspends

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