Messenger Puppet

Jewel-Osco : home of “drug food.” And recurring gay themes.

• It’s Monday. Unload the truck then head to upper crust for pizza and beer. Skip the pizza. Find yourself married to some chick who tried to fix you up with a guy at the bar the first time you meet her outside of work.
• Osco says yes to ties, no to male earrings. WEEKLY WORLD NEWS headline shortly after you start at the store? “Wearing ties makes men stupid.”
• Supervisor Debbie is tall and thin and, depending on how she wears her hair and makeup, kind of attractive. She never seems to have a boyfriend. She does have a party. Some younger chick gets all drunk and emotional. Debbie is the first to console her. In the bedroom. No, you cannot come in.  Go walk in the snow or something.
• The passage of time may have made you forget her name, but there is a fat chick who works there. It may have been “Renee.” “Beulah” somehow fits better. Even though this is now the 21st century, gender neutrality, body dysmorphic disorder etc., etc., etc., to excuse the condition,  this bitch does not deserve it. Including her in a discussion of humans is probably a stretch, she is just that unpleasant. Her husband has withered away to a wisp from the harpy-like shrieks. Until he summons the balls to divorce her. Very likely, he borrowed those summoned balls from the man he left her for. Coincidence or causation?
• Your ex has a friend there. She seems nice enough, except you would have to become a chubby chaser. Also, she is married. And somewhat manipulative, which seems unimportant when you’re not getting any and she is offering it. Manipulation is no impediment to your manager Greg. He may think you are talking about his stiffy have a different understanding about what she is adept at manipulating. However, after the mindfucking he gets from her, he suggests that “converting to gayness” would have been preferable. DNA arguments and other biological realities aside, he is probably right.
• Flamers. There are two Kevins and two Brians. One of the Kevins came from the buggy wash. The other has a man crush on Jason Newsted of Metallica. Kevin will turn 21. Thankfully only once. Meet him at a restaurant with the entire Osco crew. He will show up with Brian (the other one). Someone thinks it is a good idea to buy flaming shots of 151 rum for these two, who are already fucked up out of their gourds. It’s not.Later, when sifting through the ashes of the restaurant for your car keys…

Best bike ride to the Minute Market ever.  The garish blue cover foretold BIG NEWS.  We had seen hints of “Mustang III,” and had prayed to Henry Ford II that there would be no visual reminder of Mustang II in the name or the car.  The Duece didn’t disappoint – for a 1979 car.

Sadly, the ‘80 lost the turbo and the 5.0, and it was not until 1982 that the Mustang began to regrow its balls.

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Dear Asshole:

Thanks for all of your help with First Drivers Club.You helped make First Drivers Club special. Unfortunately, all great things have to end sometime, and on May 1 the First Drivers Club will close. Everyone here at HQ really appreciates everything you’ve done to spread the word, and we hope you’ve enjoyed the trip as much as we have.

Of course, there are still plenty of ways to have fun. For instance, soon we’ll launch a new site for the Car and Driver community! Stay tuned because we’ll let you know when it’s ready so you can kick the tires and get behind the wheel.

You can also find tons of great content on caranddriver.com, including the latest news, expert reviews, in depth features and even great videos of the hottest cars in action.

Thanks for showing us how supportive and influential car enthusiasts can be. We look forward to continuing to provide you with the latest — and best — car content available. See what all the talk is about at caranddriver.com.

Enjoy the road,
Your friends at Car and Driver

Dear complete wasters of my time:

It took forever to get my Pennzoil stuff.  The Hyundai swag was crap.  It took forever to get published, and no body saw it anyway, except for what I wrote here.  So, nice try.  Next time, Ferrari thongs (with super model) and Aston Martin fitted luggage (with red Vanquish S) will be appropriate remuneration for pimping more crap for your advertisers.  Thanks for playing.

Dr. G

Email to ex, yesterday, 9 am:

Please tell your BF to stop calling Monkey “shorty.”  It bugs her and the Bear. [more words, more diplomatic]

frantic text from monkey, yesterday at 5:

You told Mom we hate her?  WTF?  Brilliant, Dad.  Thanks so much for screwing up our lives.

Patient reply from me:

No, I said “Please tell your BF to stop calling Monkey “shorty.”  It bugs her and the Bear.”

Follow up text from Monkey:

OIC.  She took it the wrong way.  NVM

Unsent response from me to ex:

Reading Is Fundamental, ^$#&%$^#^%@

Alex Trebek: It’’s been me for 25 years, my name is Alex, coach, and the answer is “It has been me for the past 30 years, and Penn State for the last 20″

Football a welcome salvation at Penn St. after offseason of trouble (cont.)

Left hand red

Cop or not?

June or July, 1980

Jack Daniels. It’s what we hide under the back seats for when 8 Barrel has a party.

1971 VW 411

Spring or Summer, 1980

summer 1980

1971 VW 411