Messenger Puppet

Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

Jewel-Osco : home of “drug food.” And recurring gay themes.

• It’s Monday. Unload the truck then head to upper crust for pizza and beer. Skip the pizza. Find yourself married to some chick who tried to fix you up with a guy at the bar the first time you meet her outside of work.
• Osco says yes to ties, no to male earrings. WEEKLY WORLD NEWS headline the week you start at the store? “Wearing ties makes men stupid.”
• Debbie is tall and thin and, depending on how she wears her hair and makeup, kind of attractive. She never seems to have a boyfriend. She does have a party. Some younger chick gets all drunk and emotional. Debbie is the first to console her. In the bedroom. No, you cannot come in.
• The passage of time may have made you forget her name, but there is a fat chick who works there. It may have been “Renee.” “Beulah” somehow fits better. Even though this is now the 21st century, gender neutrality, body dysmorphic disorderetc., etc., etc., this bitch does not deserve it. Including her in a discussion of humans is probably a stretch, she is just that unpleasant. Her husband has withered away to a wisp from the harpy-like shrieks. Until he summons the balls to divorce her. Very likely, he borrowed those summoned balls from the man he left her for.

  Coincidence or causation?

• Your ex has a friend there. She seems nice enough, except you would have to become a chubby chaser. Also, she is married. And somewhat manipulative, which seems unimportant when you’re not getting any and she is offering it. Manipulation is no impediment to your manager Greg. He may think you are talking about his stiffy have a different understanding about what she is adept at manipulating. However, after the mindfucking he gets from her, he suggests that “converting to gayness” would have been preferable. DNA arguments and other biological realities aside, he is probably right.
• Flamers. There are two Kevins and two Brians. One of the Kevins came from the buggy wash. The other has a man crush on Jason Newsted of Metallica. Kevin will turn 21. Thankfully only once. Meet him at a restaurant with the entire Osco crew. He will show up with Brian (the other one). Someone thinks it is a good idea to buy flaming shots of 151 rum for these two, who are already fucked up out of their gourds.

  It’s not.

  Later, when sifting through the ashes of the restaurant for your car keys…