Messenger Puppet

Headed for DTW or trouble in Illinois

With it’s spaceship-like good looks, and bench seats, this is the perfect van for your clan of homeschooled robot children.  Or jackbooted thugs campaign workers and “government contractors.”

- Actual Dodge ad.

Why talk about this shitbox?  I saw four – FOUR – of these before lunch today, and the one pictured is a clone of the one pops picked out.

What Rocked:

• A road trip to Bloomington/Normal, Illinois to watch Bob Perryman eat a fist on TV with 8 Barrel, Phid and Bagman.  Plenty of room for screaming loons.  Privacy glass for Bagman in the back to flip off the cops.
• Fills in admirably when your Marquis eats a Buick Century and needs its eyelids removed.
• Madonna.  Van.  Fetzer Center parking lot at night.
• Gas was $1 +/-.

What Sucked Ass:

• The actual drive to Bloomington Normal Illinois.  Flatter than Nebraska, but with less to see.
• Madonna.  Van.  Fetzer Center parking lot at night. No nookie. No anything.
• It’s 1985.  Dad is now single(again).  Divorced his crazy, bitchy 2nd wife and said good bye to his prissy little pussy whipped house in the sticks.  Plus, it’s been a couple years since he bought his S-10 and Z-7, so it’s time for a new car.  Time to party, you stud!  But no. No Corvette.  No Mark VII LSC.  No Thunderbird even.  No, Dad has to buy a van.  A fucking van.  Idiot.

Why a Van, Pops?

Because Buzzkill is getting married, and we will need to drive a bunch of guests around for a week.

• Dear Dad
  Hertz rents vans.
  Your son

• The truck got used to drive my grandparents to Detroit to meet the future in-laws.  The future in-laws  promptly rented their own cars, so they could do their own stuff, like any sane people, or anyone who wasn’t asked whether they wanted to be carted around all week.
• Buzzkill-like proliferation – THESE VANS ARE EVERYWHERE.  The evidence.

1. Buzzkill drives a 15 passenger version.  One person has to ride on the roof.
2. Exhibit 2.  They are spies, lurking in shadow.  Watching.  Biding their time.

I can see you, Kirk... Can you see me? Oh, now be honest, Captain, warrior to warrior. You do prefer it this way, don't you, as it was meant to be? No peace in our time. "Once more unto the breach, dear friends."

I'd give real money if he'd shut up.

3.  You cannot Leave them unsupervised, without a double layer containment grid.  They breed like tribbles.  Or Buzzkill.

How many fences does your car need to keep it from escaping?

• Obvious lateral self replication.  Long blue Shitpile <–Short brown Shitpile <–Genuine Shitpile

In our last episode, Budget Rent A Car inside Fry’s did not have anyone at their service counter, because some guy was washing the salesman and hooker smell from a Dodge Penis Compensator Charger.  How “convenient.”

Today, still washing, but there is a second guy their to actually service the customers.  (No sign stating “I am right here, for your ‘convenience,’” which would have been pretty funny.)  But back to the other guy.  He has a Dodge shitbox Neon Caliber that needs a vacuum and the bird shit licked off its hood.  I go in, the hood is getting its tongue bath; I come out and the mondo suck 9000 is removing all the crusty fries from between the seats.

So how does this translate to hating America?  Simple…

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Cameras capture driver speeding 22 times in 45 days

by Charlie Jannetto – Jun. 24, 2008 04:30 PM
The Arizona Republic

SCOTTSDALE – Photo enforcement cameras on Scottsdale’s Loop 101 captured a woman speeding 22 times before officers arrested her, state officials said Tuesday. Jennifer Bitton, 24, of Las Vegas, was arrested by Arizona Department of Public Safety officers Friday on suspicion of criminal speeding, reckless driving and endangerment.
During a 45-day period starting in May, the woman was captured by photo enforcement cameras on Loop 101 in Scottsdale 22 times, with her top speed at 92 mph, DPS officials said.

“Photo enforcement exists to help slow people down make money , thereby ensuring the continued employment of officious little twits and media flacks like me safety of everyone on the road” DPS Director Roger Vanderpool said in a statement. “Sadly, some drivers have no regard for the safety of others Draconian revenue generating traffic tactics as they continue to recklessly speed get where they are going without crashing.”

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the Bush Legacy Tour

What the polls don’t tell us is that in truth, the failures of the last eight years cannot be chalked up to one man – and that means they won’t necessarily be turned around when he leaves office. The war in Iraq, the floundering economy, the tragedy that befell New Orleans, were the failures of conservative ideology. And they were the failures of every one in Congress who cheerleaded for and happily rubber-stamped the President’s conservative agenda.

The purpose of the Bush Legacy Tour is not to gloat about all that has gone wrong over the past eight years, but to ensure that the legacy of President George W. Bush can be used to ensure that the next eight are drastically different.

NY council seeks to shut down the ‘Gates of Hell’

YONKERS, N.Y. (AP) — A suburban city council is taking up a resolution to ban a defunct power plant’s nickname: the Gates of Hell because they are spineless wieners.

The Yonkers City Council says… that the abandoned plant should be known … as the Glenwood Power Station presented by AT&T or by its address, 666 Samhain Row.

Many community residents call the plant the Gates of Hell, because  quite literally, you walkthrough the door and there you are. A councilwoman used the nickname in a flier about a community meeting.

Council President Chuck Lesnick says nearby residents complained the nickname smears their community.  Not “unfairly” or “unjustifiably”  smears, they are just pissed that their secret is out, which can only mean government intrusion into thei goat sacrifices is next.

In a related story, God is a pusher

God accused of selling cocaine near Tampa church

TAMPA, Fla. (AP) — Police say a man named God was arrested near a Tampa church for selling cocaine. Authorities began investigating God Lucky Howard in April, and he was arrested on Saturday. Police say he sold the cocaine to undercover detectives in his neighborhood.

Newsweek says so.  Empirical evidence support the theory:

Nothing says “I am completely unhinged – stay clear or eat hot lead” like a Fascist Oil Barons BC 04 sticker on a 10 year old POS Nissan

Dear world:

We’re not here to help you right now, “for your convenience.”

xxoo

Budget Rent a Car

If it’s June, it must be time for another homage to my mistress…

MZone: And so it ends…

MZone, the source of much stolen content (especially photoshops and babes) bites the dust.  Another victim of the black hole of time sucking that websites like this create.  I blame McCain, personally.

Godspeed Yost.  No, fuck that.  Get back to work.

George Carlin is dead

Shit.

piss.

fuck.

cunt.

cocksucker,

motherfucker.

tits

(fart turd and twat)