NFL implements new code of Fascism for fans at games
NEW YORK (AP) — The NFL implemented a new code of fan oppression Tuesday, warning that spectators who think they are more than just consumers of overpriced, shitty food and a steilized, joyless game-like simulation designed to generate ad revenue will be ejected from stadiums and barred from coming back. The policy, first recommended by dictator in chief Roger Goodell at league meetings in April, is aimed at conduct that the league said “detracts from the gameday experience because it makes mommies not want to buy $10 licorice ropes for junior.”

It includes bans on:

– Behavior that is unruly (yelling), disruptive (standing up), or illegal (yelling fire even though you cannot hear yourself inside your own head, let alone the person next to you).

– Drunkenness and signs of alcohol impairment that result in irresponsible behavior (like not ordering the extra cheese on your nachos for $4 extra).

– Foul or abusive language or obscene gestures (by whose definition, Rog? We can’t flip you off, you preening ass licker?).

– Interference with the progress of the game, including throwing objects onto the field.

– Failing to follow instructions of stadium personnel (does this mean if we are silent when the sign says “noise,” we get booted? Or we read a newspaper when the PA guy says “Please turn your attention to…” or “please rise for…”).

– Verbal or physical harassment of fans from the opposing team. (No more “Raiders suck”?)

“The in-stadium experience is critically important to the NFL’s bottom line, our clubs and our fans and it will be a major focus this season,” Goodell said in a statement. “We are committed to sterilizing and dehumanizing the fan experience in every way we can — from the time fans arrive in the parking lot to when they depart the stadium. It should be strictly commerce, and nothing more“

The league also left teams the option of adding additional provisions to the code based on local circumstances. For example, Detroit could make a two hotdog minimum purchase a condition of admission; in Phoenix, it might be a couple of Chile Rellenos instead. It said the guidelines would be contained in mailings to fans and signs posted at stadiums.

Actually, this proves that Roger Goodell understands America better than any of us. It’s not the game. It’s not the experience. It’s order and commerce. Nothing else matters. It’s John McCain’s America -  not John Mellencamp’s, not John Lennon’s.