Madonna: Come away for the weekend. You can see Hillsdale College and all the places I fucked Stevens, my English professor, once he stole my innocence.
Me: Yay. Overnight means maybe second base!
Karma: You can always dream!
Madonna: You can actually meet him in his shitty little apartment over a garage.
Me: oooo, impressive
Later, after the tour and whatever the fuck she needed to do there…
Madonna: It’s late. Let’s get a hotel!
Me: Yay. Hotel means maybe even third base!
Karma: Now you’re just being silly!
Dow Leadership Center: The Dow Leadership Center is a division of Hillsdale College located on the northwest corner of the campus quad. The Dow Leadership Center is home to one of the nation’s top leadership training programs and is the center for six major business activities: (1) hotel and conference facility, a positive and uncommon business retreat environment…
Us: Beauty. Can we please have
10,000 marblesa room?
Gozer the GozerianDow Leadership Center: Are you a godmarried?
Gozer the GozerianDow Leadership Center: Then… DIE!Sorry, school policy. No boinking like rabbits. SOL. Bub-bye. NEXT!
Ray, when someone asks you if you’re a godmarried, you say “YES”!
Furtive searching for commercial hotels that only care about whether you can pay ensues…
Rainbow Motel near beautiful Montpelier, Ohio: You hoo! We’re just 25 miles down M99/OH15. We have a crappy hotel right next to I-80, if you don’t fall asleep from boredom getting here!
Us: Good enough!
Second base is a mortal lock. Third base technically occurs, but is fraught with fumbling, insecurity and a basic misunderstanding of female anatomy – just like ever other goddam boy she’s ever met. You rate as slightly more interesting than a tampon. On the plus side, she still likes you. The ride home happens with your face in her lap. So you got that going for you, which is good.