Why does Jesus have such a giant stick up his ass?

An atypically tame bit of Facebook proselytizing from my sister

Skippy/Buzzkill Koolaid In everything, give thanks…. What are you thankful for?

OK.  I agree.  Be grateful for what doesn’t suck (Dr. Gonzo’s Freak Show).  Be happy that what does suck isn’t worse. (I’m looking at you, Michigan “defense.”)

So, this should bring up some actual gratitude about things wthat exist in the real world, right?  Not quite.

Sheryll Koolaid Thankful for the Lord’s nearness AND new friends.

TRANSLATION:  I hate thinking for myself.  I can’t own my own conscience.  Hi Skippy.  Wait, hi Buzzkill (God doesn’t want me to think about boys.)

Dr. Gonzo food and fire and love and a yelpy pup

Seems sane enough.

Cheryl Koolaid His unfailing love, sovereignty over all (and the comfort and peace it brings), and the gift of salvation through Jesus Christ our Lord.

TRANSLATION:  I hate thinking for myself. I can’t own my own conscience or my own destiny.  I can’t wait to be dead in this life so that I can do the same shit in the next one (worship Jesus relentlessly and never get bent over a chair and fucked into tomorrow)  without having to bitch about Obamacare.

Susan Koolaid I am thankful that I serve a holy, righteous, omnipotent God that made me His child and He loves me as a Father!

TRANSLATION:  I hate thinking for myself. I can’t own my own conscience or my own destiny.   Fuck you mom and dad – it was Jesus (except for the 36 hour labor).

Heather Koolaid Jesus! I am so thankful for the life He gives!

TRANSLATION:  I hate thinking for myself. I can’t own my own conscience or my own destiny.   Fuck you mom and dad – it was Jesus (except for the 36 hour labor).

What the fuck, Jesus?  Are you like Xerxes, and your ego/temper demands 24/7 tribute?

Love me or die, bitches

Are you scared and weak and need affirmation to bolster your self confidence?  I am pretty sure these sheep wouldn’t be so eager to be dead, they wouldn’t be shirking their control over their own destinies  if someone weren’t telling them that’s what you demand.

Maybe that’s it.  Maybe it’s the Elmer Gantrys that are allowed to intepret the bible when ordinary saps like me are supposed to take it literally, as the infallible word of God.  Not that it makes any sense that no man can know God, but some men can, if they talk loud enough and tell you what you already want to hear.

EDIT

more from the sheep:

Sherry Koolaid – that He loves us so much and is such a wonderful, glorious Father.

Patty Falk Koolaid – For God’s Word! I was meditating on this fact just this morning. I don’t know how I would have gotten through this past year w/o God’s Word and the truths contained in it.

Delores Koolaid – Be THANKFUL each and everyday, that we know him, and know that he is surrounding us with his LOVE! Amen.

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