What Took You So Long?

Posted on by Raoul Duke

 

Dear Jesus Freaks:

I stumbled upon this bit of “god wants girls to stay virgins until they are barefoot and pregnant in their arranged family courtship marriages” when i was looking for Ferraris and teacher porn.

In their “Statement of Faith” these folks insist that.

  • The Bible is the inspired, inerrant Word of God, and the final authority for our lives. It is literal, historical, and infallible.
  • God created the universe ex nihilo (out of nothing) by His spoken word in six literal days as the Bible states.

Fine.

Believe whatever the fuck your cult demands, but riddle me this:  If God is so omnipotent, why did he need “six literal days”?  Why not a fortnight?  Why not the time it takes to whip out a petronas charm?  What is the magic in “six literal days” if all He has to do is say it and it’s real?

Nevermind that “literal days” did not exist until about “day” 4 according to this “literal, historical, and infallible” “final authority.”

Is God lazy?  A dawdler?  Figuratively making shit up as He goes along literally making it up?  By all means, please enlighten me. I thought i already had it figured out.

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When I came to, the general back-alley ambiance of the suite was so rotten, so incredibly foul. How long had I been lying there? All these signs of violence. What had happened? There was evidence in this room of excessive consumption of almost every type of drug known to civilized man since 1544 AD. What kind of addict would need all these coconut husks and crushed honeydew rinds? Would the presence of junkies account for all these uneaten french fries? These puddles of glazed ketchup on the bureau? Maybe so. But then why all this booze? And these crude pornographic photos smeared with mustard that had dried to a hard yellow crust? These were not the hoofprints of your average God-fearing junkie. It was too savage. Too aggressive.