Fuck you, Jiffy Lube

Me:  Hi, I would like an oil change

Jiffy Lube:  OK, regular (39), semi synthetic (59) or full synthetic (89)

Me:  I have a love hate relationship with this toaster, so let’s go with affordable.

Jiffy Lube:  Uh oh, the manufacturer demands 0W-20  full synthetic. (Ed.: Changed viscosity to appease Ron below)

Scion:  Oh hell no i don’t.

Me:  Pass

Jiffy Lube:  OK, all we have is 5w30.

Me:  (so this was more about what was in stock than what I needed)

Jiffy Lube:  You need an air filter

Me:  I can do this myself

Jiffy Lube:  You need a cabin air filter

Me:  Why were you digging in my dashboard?

Me:  No.  Could you at least shake it out before replacing it?

Jiffy Lube:  No

Jiffy Lube:  We checked your battery – it only has 300+ CCA when it should have 500

Me: This is Arizona.  We don’t have cold.

Jiffy Lube:  We checked your cooling system.  It’s low.  For $5 we’ll add coolant.

Me:  WTF?  I thought it was a closed system

Jiffy Lube:  It is.

Me:  Pass.

Jiffy Lube:  You have an oil leak.

Me:  WTF?!  Where?

Jiffy Lube:  (to trench guy) Where?

Jiffy Lube Trench Guy:  On the engine. (actual tech response)

Jiffy Lube:  Around the oil pan.

Driveway:  I find no evidence to support this claim.

Jiffy Lube:  P.S., instead of Windex, we used semen for your windshield washer fluid.  Tomato:tomahto, right?

  6 comments for “Fuck you, Jiffy Lube

  1. Ron
    March 7, 2012 at 4:55 am

    0w20 Dumb ASS!!! Your talking trash about someone, and you have NO IDEA what your talking about. Poor Jiffy guy, has to deal with IDIOTS that think they something.

    • Profile photo of Gonzo di Dottore
      March 7, 2012 at 7:19 am

      Yeah sorry, I didn’t look up the OEM viscosity spec for the post. Whatever. It was a lie to upsell a $50 price bump regardless. Not a good way to build trust. At that point, I was ready to just be done. But no, we had 10 other upsells and adddons to run through.

    • Profile photo of Gonzo di Dottore
      March 7, 2012 at 7:33 am

      AOL Ron? Really? Is it still the 1990s where you are?

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  2. Ron
    March 7, 2012 at 5:00 am

    COLD CRANKING AMPS DOESNT MEAN “COLD OUTSIDE”, IT MEANS STARTING YOUR VEHICLE AT ROOM TEMPERATURE. MAYBE YOU SHOULD SPEND TIME LEARNING BEFORE RUNNING YOUR SEWER.

    COOLANT SYSTEM IS A CLOSED SYSTEM, YES………….ARE YOU TRYING TO INDICATE THAT IT DOESNT GET LOW BECAUSE ITS SEALED?????????????
    ADDITIVES IN COOLANT BREAKDOWN, JUST LIKE IN OIL, AND IT GETS LOW, AND IT BUILDS UP SLUDGE. AGAIN, YOU JUST RUN THE SEWER BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER TO TALK TRASH ABOUT SOMEONE THEN TO THEM, BECAUSE THE JIFFY GUY WOULD HAND YOU YOUR ASS, AS HE DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    SOMETIMES IT BETTER TO REMAIN SILENT AND THOUGHT A FOOL, THEN OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND REMOVE ALL DOUBT!!!

    • Profile photo of Gonzo di Dottore
      March 7, 2012 at 7:17 am

      Ron: ALL CAPS MAKES YOU LOOK STUPID.
      The “it’s not cold” was a joke that escaped you. I didn’t know that Jiffy Lube even sold batteries. I do know that I need a new battery like clockwork, every two years. It’s a function of the weather that takes no prisoners. Every time, when it’s that time, I shop for the best deal so that in 2 years when the 5 year guaranteed battery fails, I get the best deal on a replacement. Mr. Jiffy Lube was giving me the used car salesman pitch on the battery, which I did not then need, skipping details like price. When the battery starts being stupid, probably around May, I’ll start shopping around for the best deal. There is no reason to give up on a battery that is still fine other than the seeming convenience and the thrill of a mystery price.

      You have already given more of an explanation than Mr. Jiffy Lube about the cooling system. Thanks for that. I knew that. As in the previous comment, I started skeptical because of the business. Then the lies and the greasy salesman act, which reeked of desperation to inflate the ticket. Like I told him, I’ll give my dealer that business. The actual conversation was amusing, because Mr. Jiffy Lube expected me to simply accept his word that it was needed, and treated me like I was stupid for asking about it being closed, rather than explain himself.

      Digging around in my glovebox for the cabin filter behind it is something I would rather be asked in advance. “You did what?”

      The mystery oil “leak” was the real kicker. I heard those nice fellas using an impact driver underneath my car. I’ve changed oil. There is no reason on a 2 year old rust free car to use one unless you fucked something up (like the drain plug). I hope to god it wasn’t being used on the filter (like my Nissan Dealer a few years ago, wrenching the filter on). I’m thinking it was a CYA for either not cleaning up (like the nice folks at Valvoline OC do) or they had to replace the plug with an imperfect substitute. Either way NOTHING in my experience said “we’re unquestionably professional and trustworthy.”

      Bottom line – I went there because of a promotion. Twenty years ago in a different city, they forgot to lube the filter gasket, but I figured they had learned something in the interim. So I came back for another chance. They gave me no reason to want to go back.

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