Sorry. No names, to protect my ass from getting sanctioned. It goes a little bit like this:
Me: This “marriage” is a fail. Sorry. So long and thanks for all the fish.
Her: I’ll take the kids and your check. You keep the house because it costs more. You keep the critters, because they cost more. And require attention. And your student loans. And the kids’ insurance. Because Fuck you, Man.
Kid 2: Home Sweet Home is with pops, if that’s ok. He doesn’t ask me to lie to the other parent, or make me feel like I’m second class.
Me: If you’re sure this is what you want.
Me: Keep the check until we see if this is a go.
Her: Hell yeah i will. (And i will let kid 1 fuck in my house and rant about what an ass dad is for brainwashing kid 2 and whatever other bullshit i can think of, because Fuck you, Man)
Me: This money stuff is BS. Each pays for the kid in their house.
Her: OK, but I don’t want to pay any insurance for kid 2, and I should only have to pay 1/2 of my 1/2 of kid 1′s insurance.
New Judge : Fuck you, Man. You’ll get nothing and like it. Or we can come back in a month or two after you undergo a financial cavity search.
Me: Fair and balanced, just like Fox News. Thanks! (NOT) Writing off $40/mo. (which should be $72) for a year beats doing this bullshit again. Fuck you, Man gets old.
Me: Kid 1 is 18 at the end of the month. Kid 2 is on my watch full time. Start writing that check.
Her: I’ll give her an allowance.
Me: Try again.
Judge: This is an important issue warranting prompt attention. We’ll see you all in August. By “we,” I mean someone else. (Fuck you, Man.)
Me: These are the numbers
Court mediator: We split that insurance # in half, since you have two kids.
Me: The marginal cost of kid 1 is zero.
Court mediator: So? We still split it.
Me: So if I want credit for the full cost of kid 2′s insurance, I would have to kick kid 1 off the policy?
Court mediator: Yeah, because poor mom, being asked to pay her share of the actual amount. Where’s your sympathy, Mr. Child support/vacations/insurance for 6 years? (Fuck you, Man.)
This is the part where mom says “Fuck you, Man. Take the allowance, or I will sue you for fraud and back support. I knew the number was $400+ before adjustments for time 7 years ago. You told me the number, after conservative to wildly optimistic adjustments, was somewhere between $18 and $400, depending on how much of a fight we had. We settled for somewhere in the middle. I never double checked the math. I nver asked for an adjustment. Whoops, your fault! (Fuck you, Man.)”
Pro tem commissioner: I hate men.
Her: Waaah! He’s had the same job for 10 years , but does not have an equity interest and has the same salary.
Me: I needed this job because parenting time was based on weekends off like no other similar place will give me.
Pro tem commissioner: You are a jerk for remaining employed at the same place and being available nights and weekends for your child. I am going to pull a number out of ex’s ass for what you should earn at a place where you are not employed. Kid 2 does not need you hanging around making sure she’s not fucking a boy in your house while you’re at work, since that worked so well at moms with kid1. I demand that you be treated like you magically got a $40,000 per year raise, because fuck you, man.
Me: Hey judge, what about the 3 or 4 months that weren’t addressed in the order. It needs to be addressed, but wasn’t in the order.
Her: i have no opinion/objection or comment on anything whatsoever.
Rules: Failure to object usually equals win for the other side. Nice work.
Karma: Unless you’re the man. You know what’s coming…
Commissioner: Hi, I am the fourth woman to weigh in on this in the last 12 months. A: Fuck you, Man. B: I won’t explain what we should do about the money you’re owed for those months, because we didn’t address it in the order. C: The other three say Fuck you, Man, as well. So there’s that.
Me: So i have to sue her again to get her to live up to her responsibilities? She gets to tell kid1 what a bastard I continue to be? She gets to drive the wedge deeper?
Karma: pretty much. SSDD. Fuck you, Man.