TSA Bouncer, checking IDs: Three stands. Pick one besides mine. Four scanner lines. Pick one.
Being the next sheep in line, we just waited to get carded. The more important question was at hand – porn/cancer screening device or basic metal detector. There were about 10 possible lines, but only 4 were open.
R: porn and cancer machine only.
Middle: 2 luggage lines. One metal detector, but it’s switched off. Everybody gets deathrayed. (Exactly the opposite of our outbound flight.)
L: just the metal detector. No TSA security theater.
(also a frequent flier/first class/paid extra line). Have some extra radiation while we look at your junk.
The choice was obvious. Left, left, left. No drama except for setting the machine off by running into it. The line closed 3 people after us.
Whew! One hurdle down. One pat down groping avoided.
The flight is over. just waiting now on the luggage.
Some bags from a different flight come and go.
Some bags from this flight come and go.
The window seat guy from the flight is there, bitching about his missing luggage. On the flight up, TSA sodomized his baggage, and all his vodka samples. All 10 flavors. A suitcase taped shut was his first clue.
Anyway, he’s all buggy, and demanding answers. The airline eventually says there has been a “spill.”
Me: So TSA broke into the guy’s vodka and DUIed the luggage cart into a 747?
Airline lady: Some fluid spilled from one bag onto 6 others. The bags have not even left the plane.
Vodka guy: *whispers* they think it’s blood.
Me: Aunt Bethany put the cat in her checked bag and it went “boom”?
Airline lady: Nothing happens until HazMat gets here. Hope your keys were in your carryon luggage.
Airline lady: Yeah, it was Vodka guy’s liquorbottles leaking. Sorry about blowing up your suitcase, but we saved the dirty laundry you were carting back, after TSA sniffed it thoroughly.
Me: I’m glad I ate all those beans the other night then.