Donald Wildmon’s Fantasy TV Lineup

Guns don’t kill people, TV does – Wayne LaPierre

8:00 NBC Law and Order SVU Spree Killer shoots mother in law, wife, wife’s co-workers, others.  Killed by cops while pointing handgun at a hooker passenger in the car.

The money shot(s):  Topping the headshots, the double tap of wife’s boss, mom in a pool of blood, the cops shoot this killer in driver seat of his car.  He was holding a gun on a hooker in the passenger seat.  His brains and blood splatter on her face like bukkake.

8:00 CBS Criminal Minds A guy kills several people who are important but hypocritical people in a small town. And decapitates them .  Why?  Because they helped some rich kid get away with rape 22 years ago. (Except the victim (now his wife) faked the rape story to cover up the forbidden romance with the boy)The money shot:  It’s no “eaten alive by dogs,” but there is a row of severed heads on pikes display at the entrance to the city in the city’s trophy case, to go with the one in the recently opened time capsule (again from 22 years ago).

Bad guy drops big ass knife he planned to use on wife, and is taken peacefully into custody. Yammers about being crazy will get him out of jail.

9:00 CBS CSI: Crime Scene Investigation Capping off the evening of gore, a 4-year-old kid sees her uncle and two cohorts dead in her living room – beat to death with a tire iron in apparent burglary (or revenge crime for the cohorts’ burglary/rape).  Sees mom get beaten and abducted.  We see mom’s non-raped body wrapped in a tarp and thrown in a dumpster.

Cops roust a guy in a strip club, insist that he come downtown to talk, and take him away with $400 champagne and 6 dances left to enjoy, because: fuck you and your “rights,” criminal. He’s not explicitly under arrest.  Without Miranda warnings or counsel, guy spontaneously confesses to burglary and rape.  It points at a guy who owns the strip club. We get lavish interior shots of the club, but all the girls are clothed, of course.

The money shot:  sad orphan, burned corpse (B story), 4 bodies beat to death, gruesomely.

The payoff:  No, not seeing titties in a titty bar, because we don’t. It’s the mindfuck.  Grandma, in league with the club owner, had her grandkids killed in order to protect her son’s secret that he abused the grandkids.  What the fuck, granny? (We’d rather you had gone into porn like most fucked up sea hags.  Evidently there’s a market for it.)

Along with the non-arrest apprehension of the guy swinging the tire iron, the old lady monologues a bit about how the molester she birthed is more significant/worthy of her cares than  his two ungrateful kids or that little bitch 4-year-old orphan.  But, she comes along peacefully.

SO WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED? All this is ok!

  1. There is pretty much no type or level of violence that is not ok on network TV.  Praise Jesus and cock your weapon.
  2. Except don’t show the actual fuck part of sex crimes.  (I’m OK with not seeing rapes, actually.)
  3. OTOH, boobs are the devil.  Thus, not being topless in a topless club is just an artistic conceit y0u pervs have to accept.
  4. Even for breastfeeding.
  5. ESPECIALLY for that.
  6. We can hear sex (cop wiretap audio of a trick – hooker rinses and spits after, but was talking throughout, so not a BJ(?)), but for god’s sake no nudity!!!
  7. God help you if the fuckers are gay.
  8. All you bad guys better learn: comply with cops or we’ll kill you.  Today it’s shot for chatting with a gun in your hand; in 20 years it will be for failure to blow in a breathalyzer promptly.
  9. Fuck you and your rights.  Fuck you, fake crazy person (even if it’s real).

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