Fredo Wang: the StifMeister

Pussy wagon What the hell is the point of painting “pussy wagon” on the tailgate of this Dodge truck?

For the longest time, some Dodge truck trims were called “Power Wagons.”  Then Chrysler started calling their trucks “Dodge Ram.”  A couple years ago, they dropped the “Dodge” in favor of simply “Ram.”  With that history as a backdrop (notwithstanding the whole “ram”/”[just try to] dodge [the] ram” innuendo), what do we think the message is?

  1. I’m emasculated and I know it.” Maybe the only masculine thing in this guy’s life is the fact he gets to drive a truck and not a used Hyundai Accent.  But, lest anyone mistake the truck as a declaration of virility, it is called not only a soccer mom-like “wagon,” but that of a “pussy.” Most men would rather kill themselves than announce their marital status eunuch-hood.
  2. “I’m a Roadie for Pussy Riot.” They probably can’t afford a tour bus, let alone a semi for all their band stuff, so yeah, Leroy with the pickup gets the call. Yeah, probably not, since they’re in a Russian jail somewhere.
  3. My Penis Engine is Inadequate.  It’s buyer’s remorse and a version of #1 – wife said hubby only needs the 170 hp V-6, since “all you do is commute anyway.” Hubby wanted to spend the extra grand to get the 350 hp Hemi because: jet skis, camper, something to do besides watching American Idol. Wife won the debate.  Hubby blames the underpowered truck, because trading it back and the inevitable harangue that follows just isn’t worth the cost. Labeling it as a disappointment is easier. [Ed.: Possible, except that the dry cynicism of the sticker will be mistook for vulgarity.  Also, “exactly how much did you spend on that @#%@##^sticker again?” will be a regular topic in fights from here on out.]
    orgasm donor
  4. “I wanted ‘Orgasm Donor,’ but it was already taken.” A pickup truck can haul probably 40 hot college girls. (Just go ahead and “ram” the last few in there, Fredo.)  But how will they know that they want to bang you, anonymous creeper, without some sort of visual cue? Easy:  “Pussy Wagon” leaves no doubt where and what for.According to “How to Pick Up Girls Nothing makes a woman want to swap DNA like being thought of as “sex organ power ram recipient #17 of 20.”  That’s much more seductive than calling them “Julie with the big tits,” or “Mulva.”  [Ed.: At least according to the crack smoking escort we asked when we woke up in the alley behind Baby Dolls this morning our fact checkers.]

    One (other) problem, though.  While your “pussy wagon[!]” call to action might work in the Wal-Mart parking lot or in front of your double wide, most of your future conquests will only see it after you have passed.  A sign on the front would announce the grand opportunity you present as you approach! Think of it as foreplay whatever THAT is.  Yes, the “rear only” placement IS a good exercise in applied Darwinism – only the most motivated will run to catch up and accept your offer.  [Ed.: And, it is a bit of foreshadowing.]  On the other hand, you did buy a long bed.  When it’s not doubling as your love shack, finite mathematics tells us your wagon is not going to fill itself with pussy automatically. Stop being so picky, Fredo. Take whatever pussy you can coax into your wagon.

  5. All of the above.  In order.  (#2 is as imaginary as your dream of becoming a famous rock bassist at 40.)  It’s a pretty standard progression in post-disco suburban America.  Wait on #4 until the divorce is final, though. Your alimony-dependent gold chain, penicillin, and Viagra budget will appreciate it.

[Ed. Note:  This is Fredo’s story and in no way similar to my IRL story.  It is simply not true that I called my Mustang the “bone-mobile,” nor did I ever refer to my junk in the third person while crashing ASU lesbian sorority initiation rituals keggers:

“‘Dongo the Zulu warrior’ wants you in his room at 10:45.  And bring a friend.”]

6.  Maybe it’s owned by a large, short-haired woman in a flannel shirt and a Carhartt jacket.  [Ed:. NTTAWWT.] But that’s another post.

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