How to be a lawyer

An occasional series of rants.

When a partner gives you a motion and tells you to raise x, y and z defenses in the response, spend all your time forcing those defenses to fit the facts.  Even if they don’t.

Don’t waste your time trying to understand the arguments on the other side or analyzing whether they are applicable or meritorious.  They’re not, because, as above, they come form the other side.

Also do not bother to understand the issues underlying the case, like what is the significance of recording a document in Istanbul.***  Everybody knows only American law matters, even when deciding what something done in a faraway land  has to do with the case.

Moe:  Fuck that.  Turkey is a sandwich.  Cut out all that explanation shit and give me what I asked for.

Moe:  Also, it’s your fault if it doesn’t win, especially if it’s because you took out all that explanation and analysis bullshit.

[Yeah, I know.  “Cry about it, you baby.”]

***How this works is you either supply the information so you can be told you’re stupid if it’s deemed not relevant.  Or you can omit the research, omit the findings, and be peppered with “where is the answer? Why did you not think this was important?”  questions. I’m Dilbert.

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