DON’T PANIC

OCD plus Continuity plus Re-energizing 10 year old LOTR DVD sales =The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey.  Nevertheless, Peter Jackson is NOT George Lucas. Yet.  (And not only because PJ can write and direct.)

Bilbo Baggins(es) with Thorin Oakenshield, son of Thráin, son of Thrór
Bilbo Baggins(es) with Thorin Oakenshield, son of Thráin, son of Thrór

Me and the little woman sat through this overproduced, bloated treatise on middle earth yesterday.  Was it completely perfect in every detail?  As much as any/all of the LOTR movies.  Was it a mindfucking orgy of syncing every last detail with the previous trilogy?  Yes.  Did that help?  Well, we’ve turned a tight three-hour movie into nine three separate movies for the money artistic exposition and moneycharacter depth it allows.

Here’s what we now know, although I’m not sure that there’s a real upside (besides the obsessive need for continuity between trilogies):

  • Wizards are stoners.  Gandalf blazes weed constantly; the guy with birdshit on his head likes the ‘shroom.
  • Saruman is a mean drunk, who is a complete buzzkill now that he’s in AA (WA?).
  • Saruman has never heard of bleach.  Looking kinda dingy there, your worshipfulness.
  • Gandalf, Saruman, ElRond and Galadriel have this super secret club where they get wasted to boss everyone else around.
  • Frodo?  Really?  He had exactly nothing to do with The Hobbit.  Now we have the scintillating back story about preparing for Bilbo’s birthday party (from Fellowship of the Ring)
  • “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” Instead of just general middle earth creepiness, all the random evil now foreshadows the LOTR series.
  • Sauron is evidently Lord Voldemort, slowly re-entering the world.  Bilbo needs to avoid diaries and professors in turbans for starters.

The CGI seems to have creeped in even more, and less effectively.  See worgs, peg armed orc guy, turkey-necked sliced up orc.  Bad.  Obvious. Unconvincing.

My prediction:  the second/third installment will introduce us to Arwen, Grimma Wormtongue, Gimli, Aragorn and those dumbass Tooks.  And the riders of Rohan. And the Rohan king. and the Ent king We know from the previews that Legolas gets some CGI Botox and shows up in part two, so the rest are a cinch.  Continuity, goddammit!

Bilbo stops the train so he can go back for his hanky.  IOW – it IS like this too:

SNL Hobbit Parody from RA Central on Vimeo.

On the bright side, and a reason to hope:  there is no snotty kid playing the future Sauron.  And no JarJar.

6/10, because I liked the book, and hope to see the dragon.

(TWSS)

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