Lurlene wants a camper trailer.

Me: Uh, OK.  What would we tow it with?

Dodge Ram:  Hey sailor.  Look at what I’m packing under this hood.

Annoying voice of reality:  You DO realize those fuckers cost $30K, right?

Never fear, Tex Earnhardt is here.  He has what is quite nearly the perfect truck.  No, not $30,380.  Just $23,999!

Me:  OK!  Sounds great!
Tex:  Just wait!  There is a special internet price!
Me:  Even less?! What is it?!
*crickets* [Ed.:  No Response to Email.]

Also…

Me:  Hey Tex.  One of your annoying habits to put stupid BS add ons that are somehow left out of your bargain “E-price” (whatever that is, since you never answered my question.)  Usually it’s overpriced, redundant tinting and aftermarket alarms that consists of the factory alarm plus a beeping red light you drill into the dash.
Tex:  And?
Me: Uh, Hyundai?  Soccer mom van? Stupid 2wd Liberty? What crap did you throw on this truck?

*crickets* [Ed.:  No Response to Email.]

Also…

Me:  Hey Tex.  Long time, no hear.  Do you actually have this truck in stock?  I would like to personally see it since you will not respond and confirm it’s on your lot.
*crickets* [Ed.:  No Response to Email.]

Finally, after the weekend, I did get a couple of emails from what sounded like a real person.

[Raoul],

This is [Some Guy] over at Earnhardt [filling in for Tex, who’s like Ronald McDonald – a clown invented by Marketing who’s been played by 18 different guys over the years [Ed.: no, not really]].  I have some numbers for you, and a couple of different scenarios.  Let me know what you think.

Our internet special on [that one truck] is 23999 but there is the alarm for 799 and the 3 year paint protection Auto Butler service for 699.

at 23999 which includes 1500 in rebates means we are selling for 25499.  Invoice is 28043 which is 2544 under invoice. That is how our internet deals are structured.

I know you said you hate the adds, so my boss worked a deal for you also without the adds.  This is the Earnhardt referral special.  This is the deal friends and family get.

872 under invoice(28042)is 27170, subtract the 1500 in rebates and you are at 25670.  That is 1671 more expensive then [sic.] the 23999.  So actually, if you did the deal with the adds, which are 1498 total it would be 173 dollars cheaper then [sic.] the Earnhardt Referral program.  Let me know what you think.  Email me back, or call at [the number].

Thanks,

[Some Guy]

Later

Me:  Huh?  If I omit the obnoxious alarm and somehow remove the “3 year paint protection Auto Butler service for 699” that is supposedly already on there, the price, instead of being 23999 (23999+799+699-799-699), is 25670? And that is a special deal your boss worked out?  And I get the hole in the dash where the stupid red light went?  How can I refuse?!

Some other dealer: Easy  We have a better truck (4 door) than that 2 door for a couple dollars more. “As far as add on’s we charge $498 for window tint and Zak Tek witch [sic.] is our paint protectant. I will take off the window tint and only charge you 199 for the Zak Tek.”

Yet another dealer: “I will honor the same deal as that guy above. “The only add ons are tint for $399 and nitrogen for $99.” Plus it’s red.  And it has all the gauges and touchscreens you wanted, which no one else in town has for even close to that price.

So there things are.  Sorry Tex.  You’re out of the running.  I found the truck I want at the price that seems right.  It’s not yours.  Not the truck; not the deal.

Tex Earnhardt:  Goddamit, that’s bull!  I’m Tex goddam Earnhardt!
That one guy:  Margin call, gentlemen.
Tex Earnhardt:  Why you can’t expect…
That one guy:  You know the rules. All accounts to be settled at the end of the day’s trading, without exception.
Tex Earnhardt:  You know perfectly well, we don’t have $23,999 plus alarm and fake paint sealant in cash.
That one guy: I’m sorry, boys. Put Tex Earnhardt’s seat on the bull up for sale at once. Seize all assets of No Bull Tex Earnhardt, as well as all personal holdings of Tex and his minions.
Tex Earnhardt:  We’re ruined! This is an outrage! I demand an investigation! You can’t sell my bull! A Tex has been making this stupid ride a bull/no bull in car deals joke since Tex Earnhardt was founded! We founded this bull! It’s ours! It belongs to us!!!
That one guy:  We’d better call your bull an ambulance.
Tex Earnhardt:  Fuck him!  I want the hard sell reopened, right now. Get those greasy salesmen back in here. Turn those machines back on! Turn those machines back on!!!