All posts by Tony Clifton

I am an International singing sensation. I've sold more albums than Elvis and the Beatles COMBINED.
jack daniels whiskey

Maybe it was the rats

Maybe it was the rats, squeaking, and waiting to pounce. Maybe it was the gurgle of some unspeakably horrible, probably biologic fluid being illegally dumped (allegedly) in some nearby corridor.  Something woke me.  It wasn’t the daylight, because this godforsaken place seemed unfamiliar with direct sunlight.

I looked around.

packard blur

Oh, godammit.

“OK, I’m stumped.”  Glasses: gone.

I checked my pockets.  A matchbook.

I checked my wallet.  No cash, no cards.   No emergency Durex.

Karma:  ribbed, for her pleasure. as if you’d notice.

I found the Durex.  It was stuck to my foot.  I noticed, because there were no shoes to distract me. Also, no pants.

And, as near as I could tell, I had a gonad tattoo I don’t remember asking for.

Maybe I should ask the dead hooker that seemed to be bent over that railing looking thing nearby.

And I thought to myself. “GODDAMMIT! NOT AGAIN”

Craig James, alleged killer of 5 hookers while at SMU. +1.

 

flattr this!

fredo wang

Fredo Wang: the StifMeister

Pussy wagon What the hell is the point of “pussy wagon” on the tailgate of this Dodge truck? For the longest time, some Dodge truck trims were called “Power Wagons.”  Then Chrysler started calling their trucks “Dodge Ram.”  A couple years ago, they dropped the “Dodge” in favor of simply “Ram.”  With that history as a backdrop (notwithstanding the whole “ram”/”[just try to] dodge [the] ram” innuendo), what do we think the message is? Continue reading

flattr this!

(CC) Peggy Davis 66 (Flickr)

A moment ago

From two hours ago:

Moe:  There is no evidence that some drunk guy was drunk.
Me:  He blew a .4.

Moe:  There is no evidence that some drunk guy is responsible for having his ass beat.
Me:  He talked shit to those guys that did it. So said the one trying to get out of it. That is evidence.

Moe: There is no evidence that mere words make you partly responsible for having your ass beat.
Me:  You talk crap to drunk people, you can expect to get a beat down. Law of the jungle
Me:  Also, it is a violation of the man rules to talk in the bathroom, especially at a urinal.  Duh!

Moe:  We are advocates for our clients.
Me:  We are beholden to the truth.
Moe:  Fine.  There is no “credible” evidence, then.
Me:  I can write that.

flattr this!

Porsche Cayenne

Stop running into people.

Stop running into people. - Superstar

Words to live by…
You know me – ordinarily no parked car is safe.  No pedestrian is safe (especially when they’re next to a puddle).

mirror

Not just one, two idiots tried to run me down in a parking lot.  One was half successful.  Read the whole story at Drive-By Shootings: Just when you thought it was safe.

 

flattr this!

1959 Edsel

ACID FLASHBACK THURSDAY: University Lincoln Mercury

Honda 600

Car of the Week: 1972 Honda Z600 – Old Cars Weekly.

A million years ago, there was a car dealer called University Lincoln Mercury.  Innocuous building, two doors down from the Minute Market.

Used cars were sold out of a trailer on a dirt mound in the middle of the lot.  Behind the dirt mound, they displayed a red and white used Duster with a 340 ’59 Edsel for a while.  I loved that car – maybe too much.

Good bye, Boss wagon, hello worst car ever crash test dummy Zephyr. (Probably the horrific polyester two-tone paint job inspired hate.)

In the back row were the shitboxes that they sold to stupid ignorant teens planned to send to the scrapyard or auction.  One of the finds back there was an early ’70s Honda 600:  two-cylinder, four speed (all slow), 1300 lbs. soaking wet.  This is where i learned about Fancy (Re)Parking, when  you aren’t troubled with the burden of having the keys.  Bounce-lift-move, bounce-lift-move.  before you know it, you’re 90 degrees counterclockwise of where you just were.

This works on Pintos too.  Just ask Piller.

 

flattr this!

Joe Paterno

Damage Control: Zombie Edition

The Glove didn’t fit – Wick Sollers

Chewbacca – Johnny Cochran

Basically, We love Joe so you’re misreading the evidence, mr. report.  The emails to Joe didn’t mean Paterno, they meant Piscopo. Or the Plumber.  Somebody said something different, so your argument is invalid.

I have a few thoughts:

  • HE’S FUCKING DEAD.
  • This is about the Paterno heirs, not Joe.  SMH.
  • Money.  How much for this propaganda?  For sure 6 figures and probably 7. A report on the report?  Why not spend that money starting from scratch with the evidence and see where it goes?  But that’s not really the point of the exercise…
  • Jesus, the arrogance of these fucks.  A dottering old fool of a Took coach got fired because he didn’t shitcan a creep.  Who gives a shit about his legacy?
  • Maybe he had a financial incentive to bury the Sandusky story in 2002.  Maybe incontinence clouded his judgment.
  • The victims were the kids, not the enablers, not the coach where the buck stops.  Too bad the Paterno empire doesn’t believe that.  Sure there’s lip service, but making Joe the victim pisses on their trauma.
  • Too bad the Paterno gang can’t just bow their heads, say a little prayer, and spend their energies helping the needy out of this horror story instead of whitewashing the Zombie king.
STATE COLLEGE, PA - JULY 22:  The site in which the statue of former Penn State University football coach Joe Paterno stood sits empty after it was removed by workers outside Beaver Stadium on July 22, 2012 in State College, Pennsylvania. Penn State's president Rodney Erickson made the decision Sunday to remove the statue in the wake of the child sex scandal of former assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky. It's believed that Paterno had detailed knowledge of Jerry Sandusky sexually abusing children before and after Sandusky retired from coaching at Penn State. (Photo by Patrick Smith/Getty Images)

STATE COLLEGE, PA – JULY 22: The site in which the statue of former Penn State University football coach Joe Paterno stood sits empty after it was removed by workers outside Beaver Stadium on July 22, 2012 in State College, Pennsylvania. Penn State’s president Rodney Erickson made the decision Sunday to remove the statue in the wake of the child sex scandal of former assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky. It’s believed that Paterno had detailed knowledge of Jerry Sandusky sexually abusing children before and after Sandusky retired from coaching at Penn State. (Photo by Patrick Smith/Getty Images)

flattr this!

yikes

Porn Creep. Or…

You dirty whore.  

I took up blogging as a way to vent about that one bitch and dump the cobwebbed effluvia clogging my brain.  At the time, blogging was the province of nerds and geeks.  At the same time this joint started, we had a secretary who moonlighted in the photographic arts. That creeped into the performance arts.

Now, she’s a blogger.  Evidently there is an entire site dedicated to whoreblogging. And for the dick wielders, a blogging site for them, too.

Is there such thing as penicillin for the internet? Body condoms for blogs?

A – gross

B – “hobbyists,” “providers,” “donations”  and incall. Yeah, I in no way think johns, hookers, cooter rental or the Downtowner Motel

flattr this!