Messenger Puppet

Door #1

2006

Rock:  Hi mustang.  Let me chip your windshield.
Geico:  A Lizard Caveman cocktail will fix it nicely.  No deductible.
Me:  Yay.

Fastforward to 2010

Rock:  Fuck you xoxBox windshield. Die from a puny chip to the sweet spot.
Geico:  Hah!  no coverage for you, dancer boy.
Me:  huh?  WTF?
Geico:  We don’t know if we cancelled or you did, but we do know you don’t have coverage anymore.
Safelite Repair Dude: $286 cash please.  daddy needs a new pair of hookers and blow.

Door #2

2007

Me:  155?  I like it here.
SWFs:  I wanna rock with you.

Various dramas ensue

2010

Me:  The 34s went from loosies to no this ain’t happening
Scale:  Remember me? Perhaps you remember my friend?
Beer:  And me?
Hot wings: And us?
Beer:  But mostly me?

Karma:  Laughs maniacally.

LA Fitness:  Remember me?  I’ll sing Whitney Houston if it helps.

So there it is.

You can do better than this, Lurlene

Yeah. I own it.  And no, the loose slots they advertised had nothing to do with gambling or hookers.  In a related story, meet my new husband Johnnie Walker.

I agree. Smoking that Bolivian Cluster Fuck sensimilla was a batshit crazy idea. Now bring me a fucking beer, bitch!!!

cocaine and hookers beats amway sales meetings every time

Maybe the 70’s weren’t a complete waste of time after.  Given the choice, I would take the Disco Stu/Larry the Lounge Lizard Monte Carlo over the middle management, I’m late for that widget convention at the airport Super 8 Malibu every single time.  “Progress” can kiss my leopard print covered/Hai Karate scented  ass.

No, it’s not because you could do hookers and blow (simultaneously) on that giant hood.  Well, not ENTIRELY because of that.

Don’t strain yourself. Put the crayons down and crack a brew with some Cheetos and Jerry Springer reruns if it gets too tough.

Sorry. "At WalMart buying Ramen is not the answer"

one of each please

Watch out for Lurlene, Jorge.  She’ll kick your ass if you don’t stick to your own beer.

Seamus McCafferey’s: A place where everyone knows your name, if your name is Bunnahabhain

Where's the Bear?

If the Hamm’s bear shits in the woods…

Or what million dollar stakes earns you in Vegas (besides hookers and blow):  land yachts to take you wherever you want to go.  And, of course, RIGHT BACK TO YOUR FAVORITE CASINO RIGHT HERE, SIR!!!

MGM: Maybach 6.2

Common rich dudes will kindly keep their distance

Meanwhile, farther down (up?) the Strip…

Wynn: Rolls-Royce Phantom

I heard a radio ad for the Dream Palace last night.  What they meant to be selling:  Pussy

These One on One exclusive Nude shows separate the Dream Palace from all other clubs. We are the only club in Arizona that offers a completely private nude performance. Get one of our mind-blowing entertainers nude in our remodeled luxurious private show suites for a one of a kind adult experience that will have you coming back for more.

http://dreampalace.com/

What they actually sold: sausage

…We are the only club in Arizona that offers a completely private nude performance, mano y mano. Get one of our mind-blowing entertainers nude in our remodeled luxurious private show suites for a one of a kind adult experience that will have you coming back for more. [Approximate text of radio ad.]

Mano y mano?  Really?  Speaking just for myself, I don’t want another guy in there, and I don’t need any man on man action either. (NTTAWWI.)

Do they make Rogaine for vinyl roofs?

All your shit falls off:  roof, exhaust, little black rub strip…

Curb feelers

Welcome to the jungle

your McMansion in the ‘burbs?  Well, that concept gets revisited too.