Messenger Puppet

In a moment of dumbass, I watched American Idol last night.

• Todrick on AI wears “look at my enormous penis” pants while singing Freddie Mercury.  Ha!
• The first kid without a guitar was wiping the mike across his face like it was penis chapstick.
• I thought Adam Lambert was last year, fellas
• Everyone else wanted to sound like Dave Matthews, as opposed to the girls the night before, who mostly wanted to sound like the love child of Jewel and that girl who wants to by me Rogaine. [Ed.: Ingrid Michaelson]

I am getting to the point where “single dude in a shitty apartment” seems like normal.  Normal is good.  And where Coors Light doesn’t have to be my Halcion/Ambien/Lunestra/Nytol.  Waking up in my own bed> couch in front of a TV> Cripley’s balcony in a blackout-lifting fog.  Most days.

I killed thousands in GTA IV, yet somehow it’s not enough.  I may have to buy the expansion.  That is, if I can ever get out of this get paid, pay bills, wait 12 days to have money again cycle.

Me, bitching about money again

Is it football season yet?

It’s worse than a Zombie invasion or a Sarah Palin talk show. Sadly, Hallmark Cards have come to life.

Maxine in Phoenix. QED.

You're worthless and Stupid, Alec, whereas I am a talking rock

Contestant: Who is the talking butthead rock from the art museum?

Captain’s Log, stardate 2821.5. En route to Makus III, with a cargo of medical supplies. Our course leads us past Murasaki 312, a quasar-like formation. Vague… undefined. A priceless opportunity for scientific investigation. On board is Galactic High Commissioner Ferris, overseeing the delivery of the medicines to Makus III.

A shuttle to investigate "all quasars and quasar-like phenomena" has an emergency landing on Taurus II, a lone planet at the heart of Murasaki 312.

Where the white women - I mean the quasars and quasar-like phenomena- at

Admiral// there be monsters here

Kirk: What kind of a transmission?
Chekov: Acoustical beacon. It, uh, repeats at intervals of 12 seconds.

Purple aliens are highly illogical. Also, "oh, shit."

Facesuckers ensue. Then,

Then inglorious death, because Phasers lose to molecular acid.

as interpreted by carnivorous monsters.  Your witchcraft won’t help you now, Tom Cruise

served with Mello Yello

mmm... ampules

Wasn’t this the whole point of the movie?

(Apart from Jacqueline Bisset without a bra.  I’ll take two of those, please)

Believe what you see

We are
We are the shaken
We are the monsters
Underneath your bed
Yeah
Believe what you read
We are
We are mistaken
We are the voices
Inside your head
Yeah
Believe what you see

As envisioned and performed by monsters
Captain’s log, stardate 3196.1, the USS Enterprise – xoxbox, under the command of Captain James T. Kirk, has been sent to the pergium mining colony on planet Janus VI. Kirk is hungover from that Orion slave girl orgy, so it’s on Spock to fix everything

I'm from the Federation and I'm here to help. Just like FEMA.

"NO KILL I"? Oh fuck that, Mr. Hobgoblin