I should never have watched Saw or House of 1000 Corpses. Somehow, my Cast Away adventure with Dan Patrick the sportscaster turned into Lord of the Flies with a bunch of crazy ass people. Hungry, amoral, crazy ass people bent on changing my life irreparably.
tl;dr- some drunk Uber chick kissed me and tipped well. Yay! Continue reading “Love, Love Me Do”
[for the last time together], we salute you.
Dear Motley Crue
Sorry I won’t see your exit after all.
Kid: Don’t take a date, take me!
Me: Of course sweetheart!
It’s been 10 years since this was the “final” word.
You and your “get yourself another beer.” And your “yeah, you can take a couple with you.”
A girl gave me her phone number. I probably shouldn’t have called her. I had a different girl’s number; she had the sense not to pick up.
Texting Pro Tip: texting “sleeping” means you’re not.
By this point, supper seemed pointless. Sleep seemed like the least ridiculous option- fewer apologies and retractions to issue. But, thanks to Ray’s other guests, the usual “get close but don’t get laid” dream wasn’t queued up. I would have even settled for the “time to finish the last job/class/assignment that you didn’t even start” dream.
No, I get to go down memory lane for my nightmare. First I am waking up to a naked woman sliding over me. Rather than open my dream eyes, I try to guess who it is by feel and shape. This could be fun. But, surprise! It’s her. Continue reading “Goddam You, Ray”
Actually, Eric the fuckface inspired the title. This asshole decided to hoard work. He checked out 25% of the remaining work in a project. No one else could work it. Then he took a break because “fuck you, I got mine.” This after we all got an email saying once your batch is done, you’re done. So, the people wanting to work hit the road, and selfish Eric milks the clock.
Fuck you Eric. Continue reading “Wanna Make $14 the Hard Way?”
To my knowledge, August 31 has never qualified. It’s a noteworthy day nonetheless.
- Look at me! I am Petitioner and counsel of record! On my own divorce case!