The Internet: Where the HELL Have You Been?

It’s been a long couple of months. Long story short, I can’t compete with the tragicomic shitshow that is the presidency of popular vote loser Weiner von Shitstain. So, I OD’d on Strippers and cocaine joined the priesthood worked my ass off like a wage slave about to be assfucked by some oompaloompa who would rather watch […]

Die young and penniless, 2016

Me at the beginning of 2016; me about 5 hours ago, wishing 2016 would GTF off my planet already. pic.twitter.com/BsXMiJzBMo — Messenger Puppet (@messengerpuppet) December 13, 2016 I really thought this was going to be a Pon Farr kind of year (ideally without the treachery). It started out with such promise. I still blame Mötley […]

A: Pretty much just like this…

except with more passive aggression and veiled threats.

Q: How was your day, dear?

Looks like I picked the wrong week…

the spontaneous beer free (so far) August has been great, but not without its issues. Coors N/A is like quitting smoking, in terms of its you ate too much cheese and no fiber effect. Then there’s the dreams. Last night’s triple feature” sharks in Michigan. Yes, stupidly taunting them was involved. Fortunately, there was a scene […]

Do the Blog Thing

The one where we say nice things (for once) about some people and crack (the usual) bad jokes.

“Girlfriend” Is Better

Not just in this song ^^, but in the real world too. Better than “wife.” Better than “I haven’t looked at the issue, but I sure wish Arizona recognized common law marriage.” [Ed.: it doesn’t, and if it had, you didn’t qualify anyway.] Because “girlfriend” means no commitments or promises you did not explicitly undertake. And […]

The Joy of Being Me

So it’s tax day. Take the day off from the job that has no work. Take the day off from the shitshow that keeps you alive. Do your fucking taxes. Before that, crash at 10 on the couch. Oh fuck, is it time to get up? Nah, it’s just midnight. Go to bed. Now it’s […]

Why not?

Not like a friendzone thing, because #norules

#UberLife

Driving for Uber is a lot like the singles scene: some chicks don’t see you; some will give a great conversation. Always, you go home alone.

“I’m a horrible person”

I should never have watched Saw or House of 1000 Corpses. Somehow, my Cast Away adventure with Dan Patrick the sportscaster turned into Lord of the Flies with a bunch of crazy ass people. Hungry, amoral, crazy ass people bent on changing my life irreparably.

Messenger Puppet

Indulge Your Inner Weirdo

The Real World