Messenger Puppet

My man card is hereby surrendered

Nothing else to say, really.

I TOLD you not to shake the Andre before you popped it!

I did not cause this, despite ample time in the “wayback” seats. This is why I took a pass on buying a Nissan Cube.

(This is not about the fart can muffler or the roof things)

Badges? We need more stinking badges!!

Check the badges: a “Jesus Fish” on a Lancer Evolution.

A million years ago in Denver, I was involved in pedicle screw/spinal fusion surgery lawsuits.  There was a plaintiff named Johnny Lee.  His complaint was this:

Before surgery: boinked his wife 6-10 times a week; interactions were typically 90-120 minutes.

After surgery:  boinked his wife 4-7 times a week; interactions were typically 30-45 minutes. (This dropoff happened after surgery @ about 15 years of marriage)

I scoffed at the time.  Bull fucking shit. Frequency and amplitude were both obviously wild exaggerations.  (I had been married for 5 years at that point and had my own data set.)  I figured that he was just to proud to admit that he desperately wanted Pfizer to invent Viagra.  But (basically), for purposes of civil damages, you’re still getting laid dude – what are your damages?  If you’re lying about sleeping with your wife, you have to sleep with that lie.  We’re not paying.

Nothing in the next 8 years of marriage disabused me of my skepticism.

Then I got divorced.

After wandering in the Arctic tundra, and then the post apocalyptic barren wastelands for a while, I discovered oases that were not mirages.  I have subsequently supplemented my data set, reanalyzed my data, rejected my initial conclusion and revised my theory.  So, yay science.  I can tell you that applying the scientific method to this case study was much more satisfying than simply saying “because God made it that way.”

So there you go.

Door #1

2006

Rock:  Hi mustang.  Let me chip your windshield.
Geico:  A Lizard Caveman cocktail will fix it nicely.  No deductible.
Me:  Yay.

Fastforward to 2010

Rock:  Fuck you xoxBox windshield. Die from a puny chip to the sweet spot.
Geico:  Hah!  no coverage for you, dancer boy.
Me:  huh?  WTF?
Geico:  We don’t know if we cancelled or you did, but we do know you don’t have coverage anymore.
Safelite Repair Dude: $286 cash please.  daddy needs a new pair of hookers and blow.

Door #2

2007

Me:  155?  I like it here.
SWFs:  I wanna rock with you.

Various dramas ensue

2010

Me:  The 34s went from loosies to no this ain’t happening
Scale:  Remember me? Perhaps you remember my friend?
Beer:  And me?
Hot wings: And us?
Beer:  But mostly me?

Karma:  Laughs maniacally.

LA Fitness:  Remember me?  I’ll sing Whitney Houston if it helps.

So there it is.

Saturday 3:00.  Time to wash the xoxbox. (Ed.:  Redistribute the Phoenix rain slime is a more accurate description)

Me:  ooo a rock in the tire.
Me:  ooo, a roofing nail too?
Me:  Fuck.  Pull it and hole. * makes popping sound* New tire= $145.  Bank balance + available credit = $10.  Fuck.
Me:  Fix a flat means new TPMS sensor too.  Add $120 please.  Fuck.
Karma:  *laughs*
Me:  Oh wait, Discount Tire loves me with free rotations and tire repairs.

Later…

Me:  Hi Discount Tire.  I have a nail in my wheel.  I am a dumbass.
Discount Tire:  Hi.  No, it’s a rock.  Yes, you are.  Fortunately there is no moron surcharge on free services.
Karma:  *pisses pants laughing*

Like all good future  scout teamers and career backups, it is important for Timmy to know the protocols of the inevitable felonious shenanigans to relieve the enormous pressures of holding a clipboard

Lesson One: DUI Felony Stop (AP photo)

Captain’s Log, stardate 2821.5. En route to Makus III, with a cargo of medical supplies. Our course leads us past Murasaki 312, a quasar-like formation. Vague… undefined. A priceless opportunity for scientific investigation. On board is Galactic High Commissioner Ferris, overseeing the delivery of the medicines to Makus III.

A shuttle to investigate "all quasars and quasar-like phenomena" has an emergency landing on Taurus II, a lone planet at the heart of Murasaki 312.

Where the white women - I mean the quasars and quasar-like phenomena- at

Admiral// there be monsters here