Under Pressure

I need to stop drinking with Ray. It’s 3 a.m. The train a half a mile away is click-clacking away over the joints in the rails. I can hear every contact through the open window. Every single one. It’s reminiscent of the sound an empty beer can would make when crushed, like all of Ray’s did a few hours ago. Except…

shrek dragon

How can I resist?

Date: Sat, 4 Apr 2015 18:02:19 +0530 [05:32:19 AM MST] From:  Mrs. Emeline Vallien <>  To: Subject: Drgonzo, SMELL some fresh body of adorable Mrs. Emeline Vallien The body of the message was complete spam of course. What I think Mrs. Emeline Vallien intended to tell me was that, as I am a recent divorcee and man of the highest…


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Gonzo di Dottore

The best part of the #Sparty victory tonguebath is switching the TV to #Goldfinger


In our previous episode, we were headed to the Goathead Saloon.

Nope. Closed, for sale, DOA.

Deader than SAE after the YouTube.

Southern Nights

1998 Town Car

Uber is not all it’s cracked up to be.

Saturday Night is a Great Night for night two of a weekend bar crawl. It has to be better than Friday in Scottsdale with its lookalike clubs, bar-rescued overpriced theme bars and packs of hot but insipid ASU chicks. Plenty of milf-y Scottsdale goodness showing off their silicone, too, but they’re all paired up. Their dudes are eager to show off the handiwork and stake their claim by mashing while you do your demoralized shuffle past the minivan hormone showcase.

So Saturday, aim lower. Some place with Earth-based beer prices. Some place unfamiliar with artisanal ice. In four words

Monkey Pants: Dark. Try the Cheese.

Yucca Tap Room: Too fucking many hipsters.

Uncle Monkey: pandemographic crowd; well-lit dive

On deck the next time there’s a night off?  The Goathead Saloon.

TextNonFails – when you say “jalapeno” and the phone types “hell up in you.”

marquis roof

Back to “Normal”

Today marks my third wrestling match with the 30 foot long anaconda.  For those of you that wonder, this is the process: The Prep:  the “Koolaid” sucks, but it’s a million times better if you follow your own “one-way” signs instead of the “alternative” prep. (NTTAWWT) It’s not the bowl or the horcrux that’s empty at the end. 


Whiskey, Part 17

My big night in Scottsdale. More Whiskey, less company. The big takeaway? Themed bars that would make Bar Rescue proud. Drink prices that seem more like the club life than a place for locals. That’s all I took from the experience.  All my old hangouts were aged out. Probably many years ago. So, they didn’t even get my nostalgia dollars.

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